Row-C

Happy holidays to everyone, I hope you are enjoying time with your family. Well my Christmas was nice, I spent time with 4 different families that I hold dear. I did however, avoid most of the holiday flair this year. I guess I have too many memories from last year and how insane the holidays were, after being diagnosed with cancer. So I kind of avoided the whole deal, I did not even get my tree put up, I did get it out of the closet, just never took it out of the box. I only got presents for people that I would actually see, so most of my family with have to wait for me to get my act together in January. (I know I suck) I am preparing for my 29th birthday on Thursday and I am kind of hoping that will snap me back into action. I remember last year, I had a great time seeing the Transmitters play, but the entire night was full of me remembering that I had cancer. So my thoughts were, "dance dance, yay it's my birthday, oh crap I have cancer", repeat until 4 am. I am...

Well Well Well - here we are in Dec. My official day back to work is this Wed, I was planning on today being my first day but ran into some issues with doctors notes - so Wed is the day. I am excited to be going back to work, and continuing to morph back into a normal life schedule. I had a really good thanksgiving week/weekend and all is well - except for my brand new computer (3 months old) totally taking a nose dive on Sat. Hopefully my dad can walk me through how to fix it without having to wipe the entire hard drive. But alas, this is part of owning technology.  I am still flying pretty high and feel lots of love for lots of people. I guess it turns out that I am a LOVER not a HATER. Hmmm did not see that one coming. I guess the only thing I have to get out is that I have been cheating on my blog. Yes, I am a cheater. I have spent the past month writing via pen and paper AND in my head. I feel bad because over the past year, blog, you and I have been pretty close and it just seems...

Excitement. A simple emotion. One you feel when you anticipate doing something that brings you joy and pleasure. I was void of excitement from Dec 2007 to Sept 2008, 10 months of survival. Appreciation. An often ignored thought. One I have been embracing whole hearted for the past month. Put it together...I am so thankful to feel excitement again. To have the opportunity to experience fun. I had no idea how lacking my life had been of true fun and excitement. Until I started to feel it again. At first, I thought maybe I had drank too much coffee, maybe I had some jitters from "the sauce" but no I have things to be excited about. Dinner with friends, music, movies, driving my car, sleeping normal hours. In fact, I went grocery shopping and was just simply thrilled at the idea that I can buy WHATEVER I want in the store, totally up to me. AND I am able to drive myself, cook my food and clean the dishes without having to move a mountain to complete said tasks. Very e...

I met with my therapist on Friday. I was a little nervous about this whole thing, BUT it turned out to be a very relaxing setting. I felt good because through talking to her I realized that I have figured out some of this on my own. For example, I realized that part of why this is hitting me so hard now is that before my surgery I had the "I might die" thoughts in the back of my head for 10 months - I was in "survival mode" not "healing mode". Now that those are gone, I am dealing with all the lessor thoughts and emotions, which have been overwhelming at times. So I am trying to section off all of this and tackle it one thing at a time. I think meeting with her will be helpful and is what I need right now. I guess the weirdest stuff I am adapting to right now is the fact that I am terrified to inconvenience people. I am very sensitive to the vibes I get from others and I have a knee jerk reaction if I think I could be inconveniencing someone. I also...

In the past few weeks I have realized that I have a lot of personal/mental healing to tackle. I first noticed this when my reaction to stressful situations was not rational. Or another way to put it is, this girl is crying over spilt milk, and then crying over all the milk she has ever spilt in her life. Then crying because there is so much milk to spill in the world. Then realizing that she is afraid of cows and can only eat Chick-fil-a for fear of any future run-ins with cows. Whew, does that lay it out for ya? So I have taken the steps towards setting up time with a therapist. I guess what I am working towards is processing this past year now to avoid a huge emotional breakdown in the future. When I think back over the past year I realize that I allowed myself very few and very brief crying moments. That was needed so I could get through all the chemo, the surgery, pretty much all the daily cancer drama. Now that I don't have the cancer anymore, I am dealing with the emotional s...

I just got home from NC about 30 minutes ago. When I left 3 weeks ago I hated my house. I had spent 90% percent of my life INSIDE my house since last December. So I left and spent time in other peoples houses. (A big thank you to the wonderful people who let me take up space: Rocky, Katie, Noah, Kari, Danny, Gia AND Austin.) I was not sure how I would feel when I walked into my house. I'll break it down for you - I felt like hugging my couch and had to hold back from kissing the walls. Don't even get me started on my Tivo, my glorious Tivo. I guess I had to leave to be able to appreicate it all. All my stuff in one place. Dang am I a happy camper.

Right now, 10:53 is the first moment in a month that I had to stop what I was doing to write. This moment was constant back in "the early months". The past few entries were forced and out of necessity not out of wanting to share and express my thoughts. That may have been apparent to some of you. I am trying. I am trying to slowly deal with all of this. But you see - its not like I can check off my to do list easily. So i thought i would share some of my thoughts... #1- I thank god i don't have cancer #2 - I need to relax because I don't have cancer and focus on my healing #3 - I need to accept that my best long term best option was to have a double masectomy and that i chose that and the form of reconstruction - I CHOSE #4 - I need to tell myself that once I heal I will be able to accept my appearance #5 - I need remember how i looked bald and be thankful that I have 2 inches of hair now and I should stop looking at my "before cancer" pictures and cry...

Good News, I am doing really well. I seemed to have gotten over the initial anger and shock from the surgery. I am working hard to adjust my thoughts and outlook to be positive and hopeful. I have had some really good moments of understanding the past few days and some great conversations with people I love. I made it to NC and I am looking forward to healing from the past year here. I also intend to try and have some fun, boy do I need to have fun. OH MY - I can't remember if I mentioned the following news last blog...I don't have cancer anymore. I almost don't believe it and I am getting used to saying it outloud. Pretty exciting stuff, so again thank you for your prayers and support. Much love - R

Hello everyone, I'm back. Medically speaking I am doing pretty fabulous.  I made it through the surgery.  i am recovering pretty fast and I am able to do a little more each day.  I was surprised by the level of pain I experienced while in the hospital and my first week home. It was much more painful that i imagined, but that is in the past now.  In addition, I did not realize how much after care i would need with my various cuts and stitches, but that too will pass.  My mom has been taking care of me and i know that I would not have made it through this without her. I also realize that I do know myself well and as I suspected this has been the most emotionally difficult part of cancer treatment.  i struggled at times with the chemo and wrapping my head around having cancer but those were minor.  I am trying to slowly deal with everything, but it is very difficult and exhausting.   i am planning to go to NC for a few weeks to recover there.  i don't think I can stand to be...

I went through an eleven hour surgery on Thursday and was in the hospital until Sunday. I've been home for a few days and am feeling better everyday. Everything's still difficult but it will be better soon. Thanks for all your prayers and thoughts. In case you're wondering, I'm not typing this, so if it sounds short and choppy, it's because I'm dictating this to a friend. Peace out. :)

Well well well, where has the time gone? I have been busy the past month working, cleaning, and spending time with friends. I have been operating on a semi-normal schedule and have not had to many difficult emotion days. Well at least I don't remember them, Chemo brain is not fun when you are trying to remember important things, but is great when you can't remember the bad days. I still can't sleep like a normal person, which is frustrating, but honestly it is nice to have some consistency in my life. So for those of you who love drama, good news, I am losing it a bit. (Bet you were getting a little bored with the last few blogs, come on, I know you were) The impact of surgery is hitting me. One week, 7 days. I have seven days to wrap up all my work duties, take care of house stuff and prepare to have a 10 hour surgery. Talk about intense pressure. I started crying when watching some of the heartfelt Olympics’ commercials. Heck I cried when I saw the color blue the...

I have been enjoying watching the Olympics as I am sure many of you have. I have two things that have been bothering me. 1. The commentary provided by NBC - is there any reason to hear chatter the entire time you are watching the opening ceremony. Answer: NO 2. Is it really necessary for NBC to have commericals during the olympics? Just once I would like to watch a major world wide event and not miss important portions just so I can see the new Walmart or Coke Commercial. Oh - And it is safe to say that I am feeling pretty good, as I have time to be irritated by the NBC network. ;)

So I guess a few of you stalkers out there may be wondering how I am doing. It has been a while since I have written. I have spent the past few weeks trying to be normal. Well I guess we all know that "normal" is a stretch for me. ;) On the real, there have been ups and downs, but at least no chemo. I am a little surprised that I still have a lot of the side affects I had while on chemo, sleep issues, fatigue, trouble using my brain etc. I was hoping that would go away after chemo, I guess I just have to be patient. At this point I am excited about surgery. It is the final piece of treatment. Once I have surgery I don't have any more "have to do's ". I just need to heal. I don't have to wait every week or few weeks to hear an update from a doctor. I have been trying to push myself lately to be a "doer". Simple things, do the dishes right away, wash and put away clothes at one time (not end up with a pile of clean clothes in my room ...

Things are going along pretty well. I just can't seem to kick the whole fatigue thing. That is pretty frustrating, but apparently 6 months of being pumped, literally pumped, full of chemicals has left my body and mind pretty tired. I did get to see my Grandma, cousins, aunt and uncle this weekend, and that was pretty sweet. And oh did I have a tasty tender steak on Saturday. I also was able to visit my two of my bestest friends, and learned that I am getting a little better in social situations. I realized in the past two weeks, that 75% of the conversations I have involve cancer, and I feel kind of weird if a conversation does not mention cancer. Cancer is part of my daily life and becomes more comfortable and natural than other topics, so that is kind of weird. I have my surgery date scheduled, it will be on Aug 21st, it is kind of surreal to have the end of this in my sights. Reassuring, but surreal. I have had trouble sleeping because I have so many things in my head, mo...

Good news.....No radiation needed for me!!!! Whew, what a relief. I really really really did not want to do all that Radiation involved, as it would of extended my cancer completion time by four months. So I am a very happy camper today. :) Rosie

I surprised myself recently. I thought for sure that the days after my last Chemo would be great. I mean, I completed six months of chemo, which is something to celebrate. However, I found myself doing quite the opposite. The past few days have been some of the toughest in a while. I thought about this in my car today. I realized that I can only handle so much of all this at a given time. I think finishing chemo actually turned out to be a breaking point for me. I have found myself teary eyed and easily irritated for days. I haven't liked talking on the phone, even with some of my favorite people. Lots of little things have been getting to me. These are all signs that I am mentally going downhill. I have found, in the past that I can go on this trail for quite a while before I realize it is happening. I am glad that I figured this out after 4 days. I guess I am just a little fed up with the whole thing. I am tired of dealing with Cancer. I am tired of looking differen...

I am officially done with Chemo. FINALLY! I started Chemo in January and I have completed 16 3-hour Chemo sessions. I am pretty happy to be done with that chapter. I have to go back to the hospital tomorrow for another MRI, I had one on Monday and they need another one. At least they are not going to charge me for the second one. I am heading to Georgetown Hospital on Tuesday to talk about Surgery options. I guess I am more comfortable with the idea of Surgery as I can say the word now. Two of my very bestest friends moved to SC today. So although I am happy to be done with Chemo, I am sad because they totally rock and have been a huge part of my support system for the past seven months. They have spent time with me every week, well more like 4-5 days a week, eating dinner, watching movies, just hanging with me. I love you guys very much and will miss you!!! I am thinking about buying a nice wig next week, I just found out my insurance will pay up to $350 for a wig. Although I am rocki...

I have been writing in my head the past few days, not quite making it to paper until today. Things are good, really good. Minus some pretty severe fatigue and sleeping issues. But as time goes on you get used to that, it is part of the game. I have been assessing my friendship qualities as of late, trying to figure out who I have been a mediocre friend to the past six months. I find that sometimes those the closest to me are the ones I have not been the best to lately. Not that I throw sticks at them or anything, I just keep them on the back burner as far as their lives go. It is just that cancer is so all consuming. It is hard for me to escape it. I have taken care of all the things I have control over lately, so I have been doing the waiting game dance for a while. Waiting to find out about radiation, waiting to find the right surgeon and reconstruction procedure. Waiting, Waiting, Waiting. And while I wait the world is still spinning around me, most the time with me trucking along w...

I officially have two weeks left of chemo. Having started this in January - I am pretty excited to be so close to done. I am still not sure if I have to do radiation and I should know that answer on June 19th. I also found out today that I go to Georgetown hospital on June 24th, to talk with the surgeons up there. So for right now, I have all the "need to do's" scheduled. I just have to wait. It is weird I almost feel strange to be done with Chemo. I have had a chemo schedule going for so long and now I will be done. Don't get me wrong I am pleased as punch to almost be done, it is just I have been going for so long it is a part of my weekly schedule. My hair is growing back muy rapido, so I am really close to having a full head of hair, and by that I mean a pretty beast looking buzz cut. You know I am a pretty tough chick and I must say a buzz cut really kicks that up a notch. Well that is all for tonight, I hope you all have a nice weekend, keep cool.

This week I met with my General Surgeon and had a consultation with a plastic surgeon. I have had increasing stress and anxiety regarding "July". The good news is that this week I am more informed about my options for reconstruction. I think I have decided on the procedure I want and now I need to set up appointments at Georgetown Hospital to talk to the doctors that do the Diep Flap procedure. There are still some factors up in the air that I have to know before I can have a surgery date set. One is whether I have to get radiation after I finish chemo and the other is what doctor and what facility I am going to for surgery. After going to see some doctors this week I have a little less anxiety, as with every new decision I go through waves of feeling overwhelmed and waves of calm and peace. This is just a roller coaster type year for me. After I meet with the Georgetown doctors I will post a blog with more details regarding the choices I am making and why. I am a littl...

What I learned this week... Being sick sick (non-chemo induced sickness) is a pretty miserable experience. I have by far been my whiniest this week, just ask Erin. I think I have gone through 3 boxes of tissues in two days. I guess it is easy for me to forget that I actually have cancer and have been doing chemo for 5 months and I can't carry on like a normal immunity person. I have to be careful how many people I am around or I get real real sick. I did finally call my doctor yesterday after I realized I was not magically going to get better. They called in some anti-biotics AND cancelled my chemo. Let's just say me not so happy. I am bummed that I am a week behind schedule, but alas they say everything happens for a reason, so I guess my body needed a break. I do however have good news....I found Teriyaki Chicken Ramen Noodles for sale online. Yes the delicious Ramen that filled the store shelves about 5 years ago, and have since been MIA. It is crazy what you find on...

I had a fantastic time on Saturday night. I was surrounded by wonderful people and fabulous music. I think the vibe was contagious and fun was had by all. I am so incredibly thankful to everyone who was part of making this happen, McLaws Drive, Transmitters and Low Boys - you rock my world. I have spent the last few years enjoying your music and getting to know you all. I cannot even begin to express how thankful I am that you donated your tunes and time to help me. I was so overwhelmed by the number of people who came out. It was amazing, I felt so special, there were so many hugs and much love all around. It is hard for me to find the right words...yes I am speechless people. So many of you donated over and above and I really appreciate it. Please know how thankful I am and that last night made me so happy. I have spend a lot of time alone knowing that people out there cared about me. I spent last night surrounded by people who care about me. I have never felt so loved in my...

Perspective. Mine has been in constant growth. I have gained so much perspective on my life and I have been able to apply it to both the past and present. When I started Chemo in January my first round consisted of 4 sessions. The whole time I was counting them down, and fighting the get through them. Those 4 sessions were a mountain to me. Right now I have 4 sessions left. I am so excited that I ONLY have 4 left. Five months ago 4 sessions was a huge task I had to complete, now 4 sessions are a relief and I see them as a small bump in the road. Perspective, gotta love it. -R

I was just flipping through my calendar looking at what I have coming up the next few weeks. I flipped to July and closed it. Quickly. I guess I am more worried about July than I thought. I can't even look at the month. I don't know my surgery date for sure yet, but I know it falls in July. My treatment order has been the reverse of what the majority experiences. I had chemo first and surgery after. Most have the surgery first, followed by chemo. Part of coping with all of this has been separating everything into smaller pieces. Chemo 1 was 4 treatments - done. Chemo 2 is 12 treatments - almost done. Surgery 1 will be in July and I am not sure about the Surgery 2 time frame. Now that I have 5 chemo treatments left, my mind is wandering towards the future. This whole time I have been trying to embrace the next step a little early in an attempt to prepare myself for it. The whole chemo process is very body draining. It has at times been emotionally draining but I thi...

As I sit here in my post chemo haze I decided to write to you all and let you know what it is all about. I normally go into the doctors between 9 and 10. Upon arrival they take my weight and then I go to one of the chemo chairs. My office is smaller so there are about 15 or so lazy boy type chairs lined up in the back of the office. Each chair has a side table attached to the chair on both sides. They first access my port, which involves them using a long hooked needle (kind of like a paperclip) with a long tube on it; they insert the needle into my port and flush it with saline. (For those of you who don’t know what my "port" is...Back in Jan they surgically inserted a soft gel like piece of plastic on the left side of my body near my collarbone, it is connected to a main artery. It allows easy access to administer the chemotherapy.) They then take some blood through the same port and check my blood work. They have to make sure my blood counts are good enough for me to...

What an interesting day... This morning I saw a guy walk thru my backyard. That was followed immediately by a loud sound, I later identified as my cooler being opened and closed. Turns out my "neighbor" has been stealing lukewarm beers out of the cooler on my back porch. I went outside, saw that the cooler that previously held 20-30 beers was left with 2 beers. I went to the edge of my backyard and saw him going into his fenced in backyard. I stood there for a minute in disbelief, to which he walked back out of his yard. I immediately went back into my house and locked the door. (After moving the cooler closer to my house thus making it less accessible). I made a few phone calls to people telling them about the event - laughing at how insane it is that my neighbor is stealing beers off my porch. I imagined him thinking wow I am thirsty, why don’t I walk 5 houses down and grab a beer. Then repeating this process about 30 times. I also pictured him hanging out on my ba...

This past week has been strange. I went to my 6 th Taxol Chemo appt - so the good news is I am half-way done with my second round of Chemo. ( yay ) However, I think my body is starting to get maxed out. I do not have the severity of side affects that I did with the first type of chemo; but I think all the chemo is starting to take a toll. So I struggled a little this week. Not to bad but just my mind and body are a little weaker than normal. This week I saw a young guy in chemo - first time I have seen anyone close to my age. Turns out he is younger than me and I think he has to go more than once a week. I think they are giving him much stronger drugs than I get and more often. It made me realize that the actual chemo I am getting right now is not so bad - I just have to pay attention to my body and mind and make sure to rest. I think laughter is underated as a medicine . I can tell you laughter and faith are what keep me going, what help me to stay positive . Please no...

I just want to give a shout out to my Wed night peeps. You guys make my life brighter. I always laugh with you - almost to the point my face hurts. No matter where I am years from now I will always remember you and the support you gave me every week. Much love. Side note: I fixed my blog so anyone can make a comment - feel free kids.

On a much earlier post I mentioned I feel that I have been prepared by previous experiences to face my current situation. I wanted to share a little bit of that with you. Last year from Feb - June I went to see a doctor at least twice a month. I gave blood after almost every visit to get tested for pretty much everything under the sun (except for cancer). I was really fatigued all the time and I was in constant pain. In the end I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia, which if you are familiar basically means - you are fatigued and have constant pain. Feb to June was a really difficult time because I could not figure out what was wrong and how to fix myself. I struggled and had no hope. It was an incredibly frustrating time for me and I simply had a horrible time coping with everything. I then had problems with my eyes; they were watering all the time, like crazy waterfall watering. I went to see my eye doctor and he put me on steroids because my eye was infected and it caused my pu...

I am feeling more normal these days. I am able to drive most days and spend some time with my friends. I almost have a normal schedule ( yay ). I have also been lucky that I have not gotten sick sick (definition: sick sick - sickness that is not chemo induced) in a long time. For the past two years I have gotten sick on average every 5 weeks, so this has been my longest stretch without a cold, strep, bronchitis, or the flu. I think it may help that I don't go where lots of people are often. Plus I have become and obsessive hand washer, I carry like 3 types of lotion because my hands are so dry from the soap! I went out with friends last Saturday - it was the first time I have hung out with more than 8-10 people in many many months. I found myself with a bit of social anxiety. This is a new experience for me. I imagine this is caused by the massive amount of alone time I have had the past few months and my insecurity about being a bald cancer patient. I know this too is t...

I see how much mental outlook affects life. We all face difficult times, difficult situations. Such is life. It is how you handle yourself and the actions you take that define you. It is now that I reflect back to times in my past, times I did not handle myself well. Mistakes I have made, people I have hurt. I try really hard to be fair and to be kind but the reality of life is that we are imperfect people. I often sit and think. I think about how fortunate I am. I think of people who are facing more difficult situations than what I am dealing with now. I think at the same time about how unfair all of this is. How angry I am that I am forced to spend a year of my life dealing with all things associated with the disease. I find that no matter what I am thinking, I am okay. I think that is true for all of us. It is how we choose to think in the current moment that rules us. I try hard to find perspective and search out peace each day. Mostly I am at peace with what I have be...

I went to Giant with my friend this weekend. It wasn't until we were in the car, down the street that I realized I walked out of the house bald. We had a moment of slight panic. I tried wrapping her scarf around my head, we searched her car for a hat and then I realized I was wearing my hoodie (I wear it everyday). I felt like an idiot because a hoodie has a hood. So we pulled up the hood and headed into the store. Not sure if you know this, but people look at you twice when you wear a hood. Try it out, go somewhere with a black hoodie, hood up. I think it scares people. Kind of funny, I am just trying to hide my cancer, not rob the joint. I shared that story because today I answered the door bald. Did not realize I was bald for like 5 minutes. I guess I am getting used to the baldness, I don't wear hats or bandanas while in my house, so now I am walking out the door without them. However, I can tell you that I do not feel comfortable bald. Many people say things li...

At this point I have 10 more weeks of Chemo. During this experience I have been forced to be strong. Stay strong. Well attempt to. The problem when you are in a situation that forces you to be strong is it is really hard to let go. So far writing everything has been a way to let go because it makes me vulnerable. It is healing for me but it also scares me a little to share everything. I hope everyone who reads my blog is seeing one common thread, honesty. I don't hold back much, I try to keep it real and open. It is my way of telling cancer to f-off, a way for me to expose what cancer does and to maybe help someone else. A big part of this battle is mental outlook and support - and taking the power away from cancer is one way to do it. I feel like it has been a long time since I have let go. Since I have let down the walls I use to protect myself. I have allowed little cracks in the walls - but I seal them back up. It is amazing what the human mind can do, when I was...

It is Wed, which means Chemo is tomorrow. Wed seems to be my "thinking day", the day with the most racing thoughts and I still get nervous about Chemo. I think I only write around 5% of what I think. My brain is always ticking away, thinking about all kinds of stuff. Still trying to figure out what life is about, where I am going, and what I want to do - well that kind of stuff plus the whole cancer situation. In a weird way Cancer has brought people from my past back into my life. That is nice. I get nervous before I see someone I have not seen in years. Mostly because I look like a cancer patient. I keep waiting for me to see someone and have them cry upon the sight of me. I really really hope that does not happen - can we say AWKWARD! Hee - that word looks funny in all caps. Anywho - I am doing well - still trucking along. I get sad, I get mad, I have fun, I get tired, sometimes I fall into a void of nothing in front of the TV. You know there are a lot of emoti...

I realize now the best investment a cancer patient can make is to obtain a personal assistant. I sit here and think of all the glorious ways my assistant could well...assist me. I just need to think of a way to fully justify and fund the assistant. One day maybe... I am much more functional after the "new" chemo. However, I feel the fatigue big time. I was in Sears on Sat and had to go out to the car and sit down. I just started to feel light headed. Maybe it was all the appliances and tools staring me down? Good news - one of my nurses advised me that my hair will start to grow back now. I guess the first chemo I had was the one that caused hair loss. So that is good news - I must say I have been wearing bandanas and I feel like I need a motorcycle or at least an official helmet so I can better live the part of a biker.

So far the second session of Chemo is much easier than the first. The only side affect I really feel is that I am really really tired. Aside from that I am good to go. I am working hard to try and stay positive, think of all the good stuff. I am trying to look at is as I only have 11 chemo's left to tackle. I am hoping that with the lower dose of chemo I will have more energy and a better mental outlook. I hope all who read this are doing well :) Later Kids

I had a really good weekend. I got to relax and feel normal, well mostly normal, when you are noticeably bald and meet new people, you don't get to feel totally normal. I start chemo again on Thursday. I am kind of nervous. This next round of chemo is not going to have as severe of side affects as the first but it is more often. I keep looking forward to August/September. To the point where this will be something I did - not something I am living each day. There are parts that are so difficult I don't think I can handle it. Then there are days when I just sit back in awe of the amazing people around me, the people that love me. It is such a trying time and also such a time of growth and appreciation of the many people in my life. I guess I am trying to prepare myself to go back to the doctors office Thursday. This is the first Chemo I am going to by myself. In a weird way I am glad I am going this one alone. I think it will be good to do one alone. I have no idea why...

First off - I am feeling really good. Enjoying the 60 degree weather, colder is better - I wear hats to hide my lack of hair and I feel safe in my Pink Floyd hoodie - so cold weather is well suited for my favorite attire. Second - I think I am a perfectionist. I have insane standards set for myself and those around me. I can tend to be demanding - not for things but for people to be strong and do the right thing all the time. I am learning. Learning how to allow myself not to be perfect. Learning to understand that many of the people who love me do and say the wrong things - because we are not perfect. I am so very thankful to feel good today. I got a lot of work done and I am planning to go to a friends for a tasty meal. Happy St. Patricks Day!!

I found myself in a dangerous place today. A sad place. The place where I push out everyone and well, I just cry. I cry for understanding. I cry begging for peace. I tremble because I am just so weak. I start to look at people at see them happy and it makes me mad. It makes me envious. I think it is natural to go there - given the circumstances. I spent a good portion of my day struggling. It was a bad day. That is until I took a baby step. I forced myself to leave and go to a friends for dinner. I cried the entire time in the car on the way. It is so crazy but I am most open to crying and letting out the pain in my car. It is my haven. I tried to pull myself together but I couldn't. I took at least a hour to find "me" at their house, to start joking around wholehearted. I ate dinner and thought about going to hear some Reggae tonight. I was ready to call it a night - go crawl in bed and cry. I called my friend first and she sounded so excited that I was...

Most of you know I am now an ex-smoker (catching the cancer helped that to happen). With that comes renewed taste and smell abilities. That has caused me some peril as because of the chemo I am way over sensitive to smell and taste and spend large chunks of time with a metal taste in my mouth piece (no bueno). So this blog is about perseverance. I have decided to overcome a large hurdle today, a challenge if you will. I purchased atomic fireballs. I am about halfway through my first one. Whew those puppies are intense. I keep fighting through the burn because I know once I persevere (scream = word of the day) and make it to the sweeter center of the "ball of fire" I will experience the great joy of reaching my goal. So here's to making it to the sweet center. Holla - Rosie

Right now I feel it is really important to highlight all the positives I can. I have gone through 4 pretty tough chemotherapy sessions. The day after each one I had to get this shot to boost my immune system. The shot makes you feel horrible, insane muscle and bone pain. Good news - With the next round of chemotherapy it is a smaller dose so I don't need the evil shot. Three cheers for no more evil shot!!!!

Just found out that the last part of my chemo is not every three weeks (six sessions) as I originally thought. I have to go once a week for 12 weeks (boo hiss). The good news is that this Chemo should have less severe side affects. That's all for now - time for a nap. ;)

Tonight was Pastapalooza - which really translates to people come over to my house and eat food/drink beer. It is fun to have a bunch of people I like over, I swear I laugh more on Wed. than any other day of the week. I am glad I established the night before Chemo parties, it is a night full of laughter and just what I need right before Chemo. I am excited that it is my last AC chemo tomorrow - but I really really don't want to go through all the side affects over the next week and a half. It sucks - real bad. I am trying to remind myself of all the ways I am lucky. I have a ton of support, more people than I realized care about me. I have a very treatable cancer. I have not once been told that I could die (another plus). I have a roof over my head, I have a good job and good insurance. I have so many things to be thankful for - but at the same time I feel like a big baby because I am so tired of Chemo. I feel really bad for my mom - as she is the one who sees the bad more...

This Thursday is my final AC session. (yay) Which means that I have made it through most of the super agressive chemo. After this chemo I will have an extra week before the next session of chemo (next session is every three weeks, six sessions). I am looking forward to having an extra week as right now I start to feel better two days before I have to go through it all over again. This whole experience is so strange. I spend a significant amount of time not feeling anything. I think it is a defense mechanism. A way to cope with everything going on. Important Note: Not feeling anything is better than feeling bad ;) So I set little goals for myself to achieve, simple ones - and keep on trucking. I spoke with my friend who has gone through the whole chemo deal today. Was the best 20 minutes I have spent on the phone in weeks. It is so very nice to talk to someone who has gone through it. I don't have to explain how I feel or why - she just gets it. So if anyone who reads t...

My pain level the past week has been really high. On Monday I stopped taking my pain pills; yes, I was trying to be a hero. I finally buckled about 20 minutes ago and took one. I realize now what an idiot I am. I feel 1 million times better, my mental clarity is slightly less but my mental outlook is better as I am not coping with pain. I guess sometimes you need to walk through mud to remember why the sunshine is so nice.

I am going towards the upside of my third treatment. There really are no words to describe what you go through during this. I have faced difficult situations before, heartbreaks, ended friendships, sickness, pain. You know moments when I thought nothing could be worse than what I was feeling in that moment. Well - I guess I have a much different outlook on pain and suffering now. People always say kind things to try and make it better - "remember you are fighting for your life" "this is only temporary" Honestly, those are meant to be encouraging words, but unless they come from a survivor, the kind who had to do Chemo - your words are a little void of meaning. Don't get me wrong, the purpose and intent is kind but it is like you telling a starving person that the pain will go away soon, as you dine at a buffet. I know that by Thurs or Fri I will be feeling better - just these in between days are very tough. Part of why I write what I am really feeling (no...

I had my third chemo session today. My friend Claire went with me. It's nice to have someone there; I dare say a partner in crime. Plus, since I am hooked to a machine, I get to boss around my guest to get me coffee, snacks etc. Pretty sweet, I mean they have to get stuff for me. :) I feel better this week than last week. Every time I cross a new bridge with this deal (newest bridge = hair loss) I am forced onto the roller coaster again. I have a hard time when I am sad or upset. It is really frustrating, when I feel sad I think back to the week before when I felt good, when I was happy. I sit there and try to figure out how to get back to feeling good. The answer so far has been simple, time. Time to process what is going on. Time to process how I feel and time to figure out what I can do to make it better. Sometimes there is nothing I can do and somehow in those moments one of my friends sends a text, a card, a package or email to let me know they care. It really ma...

Tonight is the official "lets shave heads" night. I think I have 4 friends who are down with it. I plan on capturing before and after photos of everyone. I hope to make a hawk happen for pictures fun. There will be a blog on the party tomorrow. On the real, this has been one of the toughest weeks. I guess going towards bald and "really feeling like a cancer patient" might be the problem. This whole situation is such a roller coaster. I really do not wish it on anyone. You start to wonder if people are doing things "because you have cancer". I mean in a lot of cases people are and that is really just a reflection of love and appreciation of me. You are just forced to deal with so many things at once, you have to slowly let out the pain and frustration. You have to slowly digest the entire situation, all the things you already know you have to face are too difficult to imagine at the same time. This is a constant learning lesson; I have to learn t...

I went ahead and shaved my head today. It has been falling out non-stop since Thursday. I traveled to Stafford today to pick up my wigs so I had Hazel go ahead and buzz cut my hair. She did leave enough at the top for a killer mohawk this weekend. I must say I was more upset this morning constantly throwing away chunks of hair than I am right now, rubbing my softly shaven head. Two new observations: 1. Everything is much colder 2. My head is much lighter

What up peeps. I just did my second round of chemo. I actually have fun there. The nurses are so my homies and I made a new friend. His name is Bernie and he is around 65ish. He is funny and his whole family has a great sense of humor. Before I left he made sure that I understood from this point on I must, yes must, save a seat for him next to me. Bernie is my BOY!!! I felt okay right after chemo but about an hour later felt pretty bad. It is hard to describe I guess it feels like a really bad flu that comes out of nowhere. So I took extra nausea meds and pain pills. So although my brain is real real slow, I feel pretty good. The nurses were shocked that I still had hair, and let me know that the hair loss will be increasing over the next week. I plan to have a head shaving party at my house next Fri or Sat. If you are local you are welcome to join the fiesta. I am hoping to be able to shave my head and leave a temporary mohawk. Why you ask? Well if not now, will I really...

Friday, February 01, 2008 Things are good. Besides a little muscle and bone pain from the darn rainy day! At least I have good pain killers ;) I am so thankful for the messages, emails, cards etc. It is really nice to hear from all of you. I am still really bad at replying at times and hope that does not upset anyone. I have made my house into a rec center with availability for mulitple TV shows, movies and/or video games to be played in 3 differant rooms. (Plus I have lots of snacks) So if you are ever bored or just want to waste your time with me (phish song anyone?) feel free to call or stop by. I like company and due to low immunity for the next six months my time out of the house will be limited. I am running low on cell phone minutes, and in fact have been charged insane rates for that reason. So if you have ATT/Cingular call me all you want. If you have something other than that you can call after 7 - text me up the wazoo (I have unlimited texts) or call me on my home n...

Wednesday, January 30, 2008 So I have seen/heard of two shirts that I must add to my collection of t-shirts... 1. Save Second Base 2. Yes they are fake, but the real ones almost killed me Freaking Hilarious - Feel free to add your own funny cancer shirts and of course, feel free to buy me the above shirts if you find them before I do. xoxo - Rosie

Tuesday, January 29, 2008 I got the results from the BRCA-1 Genetic test. This is the test to let me know if I have genetic mutated genes that made me more prone to get cancer. This test is important because it can affect my family members and it almost decides the type of surgery I will need to have in 6 months. Unfortunatly, the test result is positive, which means I did have cancer in my genes, and most likely the best course of action for surgery is a double mastectomy. I am not excited about the results, but it is what it is. This is more information than I knew yesterday and it will help to guide future decisions. Take Care kiddos - Rosie

Friday, January 25, 2008 So I had my first Chemo session yesterday. I had friends over the night before and my mommy is here. I had a really hard time sleeping Wed night, I guess I was afraid to go to bed because then Thurs morning would be there too soon. The Chemo session is long, just under 4 hours. I feel a little hot afterwards, but pretty functional. I ate at Sammy T's with my mommy afterwards and made a trip to Target. Today has been pretty good, my friend Crystal took me to get my immunity shot and I hung at home most the day. So far so good, as long as I take meds on time, if I get outside the every 5-6 hour window for my meds it takes longer for the pain or nausea to go away. (boo hiss) From what I have heard tomorrow and Sunday will be the hardest days as I will have the worse nausea on those days. I am trying to quit smoking so the cig withdrawl is kind of making me more frustrated than normal. But thanks to all who send love my way, you guys make this so much ...

Sunday, January 20, 2008 Last Friday I had a lymphnode removed on my right side and a "port" put under my skin on my left side by my collarbone. The port is where they will dose me with the Chemo treatments, this will help to preserve my left arm from getting all jacked up. Surgery went well, I had a great care taker with me afterwards (LGA's for life). I have been on pain killers since then which makes me pretty loopy. If you want to imagine what it is like to be me right now do the following.... A) Drink a few beers to get on the same delayed mental state I am in from pain killers. B)Lay down, now try to get up without using your arms. Do this multiple times and then let me know how bad your neck, back and chest feels after a few days. I think I may need a craftmatic (whatever they are called) bed that can dump me out on the floor. Anywho - on the real, I am in pain, but this will pass and until that point in time I fully intend to be loaded on pain killers. Hopef...

Jan 19 2008 What up peeps. So one of my dear friends from High School is doing the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer in May. She is doing the walk in my honor (which makes me a celebrity, right?!) So if you are crazy athletic you can join the team or if you would like to you can donate to her walk efforts. Each member needs to raise $1800, so every dollar helps. This is a great cause (duh) and makes me feel happy inside. Thanks for doing this Crystal! Check out her page: (if you copy the whole thing including the weird letters, numbers, symbols you go directly to her page). http://info.avonfoundation.org/site/TR/Walk2008/WashingtonDC ?px=3855547&pg=personal&fr_id=1430&et=f2y1Vn84REX2nUyo8pKKiQ..&s_tafId=253813

January 14, 2008 Well I no longer have to "remember" I have cancer. Now I just wake up. Which is nice, as I think that means some of the shock is wearing off. I have decided on where to get treatment and I now have a chemo start date, next Thurs 1/24. It is nice to have a plan laid out. My mommy is coming to VA next week and will stay with me for a week. Life is always nicer when you have your mommy to take care of you. Time is a funny thing, each day seems like I have 48 hours in it; however, I have known about "it" for less than a month and I swear it feels like I have been processing and working through this for a few months. I have spent the past 15 or so years collecting good friends; I really feel blessed with so many awesome people in and about my life. Good friends and family makes this whole deal a lot easier. Please note that I am really bad about returning phone calls and emails. Please dont take it personal, I swear my brain power is hovering a...

Friday, January 04, 2008 Okay - you guys ready for the next update? If not stop reading fools! I went to 4 dr appts this week, of which two were Onocologists. The good news is both Ono. think I should do the same treatment which equals about 4 months of Chemotherapy (every 2 weeks), followed by surgery and radiation (6-8 months total). I am leaving on Monday to go to FL and see my parents (they just moved there a week ago) and go and see a doctor on Wed at M.D. Anderson. I am going to have a pretty long talk with my parents after the doctor and try to figure out the big question, where to do treatment, in FL or in VA. There are many pro's and con's to both and honestly I have to just talk it out with my mommy and daddy. At this point I really no longer have any modesty with breast exposure as I have been looked at and "fondled" by so many people at this point I might just relocate to a topless beach. At least then I dont have to keep putting on those lovely ...

Jan 2 2008 So I had a pretty fantastic New Years/Birthday. I ate good food with friends, danced to some Reggae, and hung out with kick ass peeps. I hope you all had a great time with the people you love and wish you a kick booty 2008.

Dec 23 2007 So I wake up every morning and remember that I have cancer. It is like I fight little battles of acceptance with myself each day, go to sleep having worked through it all and then I wake up, and have to do it all over again. Groundhog day anyone? I know that this part will get easier with time, I mean I have known about the big C for 6 days now. I have for the first time in years, decided to not rush anything. I dont think about my life outside of 2 hours from right now. This has been quite freeing - as I normally am running 1000 miles per hour. Another note, if I talk to you on the phone in the next few days, just let me run my mouth. :) Right now my mouth is wide open and my ears are mostly shut. I guess that is how I am coping right now. I am sure most of you are shocked that I have the overwhelming drive to communicate everything I am feeling and thinking (insert heavy sarcasm here). I know over the next week, I will be able to listen more, but I think this all...

12-27-07 I had an ultrasound on my lymph nodes today and a biopsy done. FYI - Biopsies suck. So today was a pretty crappy day, painful, uncomfortable etc. In fact, today was the first day that I had a scary realization, I am going to spend a ton of time in hospitals the next 6 - 8 months and most of that time I will be miserable. I did manage to make the doctor laugh. He was kind and was aware the last thing I wanted to do was have a second biopsy. From the first one, I know that there will be a ton of soreness for at least a week, that I won't be able to drive my car (manual) and I can't really use my right hand, arm etc. (I am typing one handed, so dont judge my misspellingz). So, I told him that I had always been waiting for an opportunity to learn to write with my left hand. :) I am still trying to be healthy and positive as much as possible. Most of the day I am full of peace and acceptance. After going to the hospital I cry. (Especially when they stick me with ...

Dec 21 2007 For those of you who don't know, I found out recently that I have Breast Cancer. This is a shock to me and everyone around me. I am right now working on the acceptance of this and I am taking baby steps. Fortunately I have amazing people in my life and I have had the past 10 years to really get to know myself. I know what I can and can't do and I have been prepared by God for this experience. With that said, I have started writing again (kind of). I am standing before a mountain and you are on the other side. If I look up at the mountain it is overwhelming, but when I look at my feet I feel the ground and I walk. There is a long trail before me with moments keeping me from continuing and moments where I find your bridge and I cross. I know that I have a rough road ahead of me, and most of you have no idea what to say or how to even absorb this information. THAT IS OK! This is difficult for everyone. Right now I need everyone to be as "normal" as ...