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Struggle and Fight

I found myself in a dangerous place today. A sad place. The place where I push out everyone and well, I just cry. I cry for understanding. I cry begging for peace. I tremble because I am just so weak. I start to look at people at see them happy and it makes me mad. It makes me envious. I think it is natural to go there - given the circumstances. I spent a good portion of my day struggling. It was a bad day.

That is until I took a baby step. I forced myself to leave and go to a friends for dinner. I cried the entire time in the car on the way. It is so crazy but I am most open to crying and letting out the pain in my car. It is my haven. I tried to pull myself together but I couldn't. I took at least a hour to find "me" at their house, to start joking around wholehearted. I ate dinner and thought about going to hear some Reggae tonight. I was ready to call it a night - go crawl in bed and cry. I called my friend first and she sounded so excited that I was going to hear the music - so I decided to go.

I so easily forget how much I love music. How it speaks to my soul, it breaks down the walls I place to protect. I had a great time, I did not stay to long, just long enough for perspective.
I realized in my car on the way home, I am fighting for my life. Not that I have any fear of death, as I thankfully have the most curable and treatable cancer. But I am fighting for my emotional and spiritual life. You have no idea the amount of emotional attack I am under. I was giving up earlier today and right now realize I must stand up and fight. I have to fight to be the person I love. The girl who doesn't care what she looks like, dances her butt off to any type of music and loves to laugh. The girl who cares about almost every single person she meets. The girl who can both be a shoulder to lean on for others and throw a punch if needed. ;)


I am almost afraid to go to sleep because I often find myself a victim of fleeting inspiration. I feel alive right now. I don't want to let go of this moment as it is the gift from god I begged for earlier today. It is my peace, my break from this insanity.

I guess I just have to fight. Everyday. Go places, see people. Work hard at my job, work hard to stay in touch with people. Go on walks downtown because those who know me, know that I love me some downtown sidewalks.

I think I am going for a drive in the mountains this weekend, I need to see beauty and walk around in the freshness for a while.


Whoa - That was a rant.....much love - R

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