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10 more to go

At this point I have 10 more weeks of Chemo. During this experience I have been forced to be strong. Stay strong. Well attempt to. The problem when you are in a situation that forces you to be strong is it is really hard to let go. So far writing everything has been a way to let go because it makes me vulnerable. It is healing for me but it also scares me a little to share everything. I hope everyone who reads my blog is seeing one common thread, honesty. I don't hold back much, I try to keep it real and open. It is my way of telling cancer to f-off, a way for me to expose what cancer does and to maybe help someone else. A big part of this battle is mental outlook and support - and taking the power away from cancer is one way to do it.

I feel like it has been a long time since I have let go. Since I have let down the walls I use to protect myself. I have allowed little cracks in the walls - but I seal them back up. It is amazing what the human mind can do, when I was at Chemo today I kind of put myself in a mini-coma. I shut down my mind, read magazines, removed my personality from the situation. It is a way to cope with the expericence. It is not always like this, just sometimes. This may be hard for you to understand but it is a survivor skill and I sure as heck am a survivor.

I hope I can get this next part out right, I just wrote it in my head but I don't know if I can express it. Lets try simple: I wish I had a big strong man to hold me. Someone to be there so I can let down the walls a little. I don/t mean that I want a boyfriend, that is not what I need. I just need a good friend, a man who cares about me to hold me and tell me it will be okay, for him to be strong enough for me to cry. I have a few that might be able to do that - but I don't have the ability to ask for it. I guess there is a reason I don't have that right now. I mean a few years ago and I would of had someone there for sure. This is a tricky understanding vs. faith time for me. I don't understand why I don't have what I think I need - but I am trying really hard to rely on my faith to keep going forward.

xoxo

Comments

Anonymous said…
I am totally in for next Monday. Wings and beer :) First beer is on me!
April 7, 2008 at 3:14 PM
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