Skip to main content

Fear

I was just flipping through my calendar looking at what I have coming up the next few weeks. I flipped to July and closed it. Quickly. I guess I am more worried about July than I thought. I can't even look at the month. I don't know my surgery date for sure yet, but I know it falls in July.

My treatment order has been the reverse of what the majority experiences. I had chemo first and surgery after. Most have the surgery first, followed by chemo. Part of coping with all of this has been separating everything into smaller pieces. Chemo 1 was 4 treatments - done. Chemo 2 is 12 treatments - almost done. Surgery 1 will be in July and I am not sure about the Surgery 2 time frame.

Now that I have 5 chemo treatments left, my mind is wandering towards the future. This whole time I have been trying to embrace the next step a little early in an attempt to prepare myself for it.

The whole chemo process is very body draining. It has at times been emotionally draining but I think that may be more because of the whole cancer picture, not just the chemo. My upcoming surgery is like the mother load to me. I am emotionally terrified of it. Not physically. I am pretty good at dealing with pain and discomfort. AND I have been pretty good and staying emotionally healthy throughout this. I guess my fear is that the double mastectomy will be the emotional unraveling of me. I think about it, what I will feel like after and I start crying. Then I think, crap, why are you crying when it has not even happened yet.

All of these thoughts, emotions and fears that I am starting to feel right now I know will help lead me towards acceptance. I know I am making the right choice for my future and I know that all the emotions, pain and the entire situation will pass with time. It is just scary right now.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

I made a choice.

So I have spent the past few weeks thinking.   Trying to nail down what is most important.  Trying to give myself some perspective.   So I have outlined my worst case scenarios.  Worst case scenario #1:  I don't have the surgery now and end up with cancer in the next few years.   Worst case scenario #2: I have the surgery now and a few years from now I am unhappy and upset that I never had my own biological children.   Worst case scenario #3: I have horrible menopausal symptoms for the next few years.   So. When I write them out.  I see something pretty clear.  #2 and #3 are temporary and there are options for me to work through.   #1 could equal death.  Which is pretty permanent.   So. I'm gonna do it.  That's how I feel right now.  I'm going to chose short term suffering to have a better long term life.   I am trying to read up on things I can do to mitigate menopause that ...
2 comments
Read more

Normal

I am feeling more normal these days. I am able to drive most days and spend some time with my friends. I almost have a normal schedule ( yay ). I have also been lucky that I have not gotten sick sick (definition: sick sick - sickness that is not chemo induced) in a long time. For the past two years I have gotten sick on average every 5 weeks, so this has been my longest stretch without a cold, strep, bronchitis, or the flu. I think it may help that I don't go where lots of people are often. Plus I have become and obsessive hand washer, I carry like 3 types of lotion because my hands are so dry from the soap! I went out with friends last Saturday - it was the first time I have hung out with more than 8-10 people in many many months. I found myself with a bit of social anxiety. This is a new experience for me. I imagine this is caused by the massive amount of alone time I have had the past few months and my insecurity about being a bald cancer patient. I know this too is t...
Post a Comment
Read more

So I might be a little lazy...

I just took a gander at my blog and realized I have not written here in 5 months. Yikes! The good news is that lots of fun and happiness has gone on in those 5 months. First off - I actually bought and mailed Christmas presents to my family BEFORE Christmas. AND they liked the gifts. Might not sound like a feat to most, but the past two Christmases did not really exist in my mind. I totally ignored them. Being that I was diagnosed 6 days before Christmas that makes sense. SOOO I am very happy to be back in the holiday game. Second - I turned 30 on Jan 1st. I had the most fabulous birthday week. Yes, I gave myself an entire birthday week. I had some of my most very favorite people come into town. This was by far my favorite birthday EVER. I felt so loved and special and so excited to be out of my twenties! I am so ready for 2010 and what the future brings. So Yay! Third - I did a Breast Cancer Walk back in October. It was by far one of the most healing things I have done ...
Post a Comment
Read more