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Fear

I was just flipping through my calendar looking at what I have coming up the next few weeks. I flipped to July and closed it. Quickly. I guess I am more worried about July than I thought. I can't even look at the month. I don't know my surgery date for sure yet, but I know it falls in July.

My treatment order has been the reverse of what the majority experiences. I had chemo first and surgery after. Most have the surgery first, followed by chemo. Part of coping with all of this has been separating everything into smaller pieces. Chemo 1 was 4 treatments - done. Chemo 2 is 12 treatments - almost done. Surgery 1 will be in July and I am not sure about the Surgery 2 time frame.

Now that I have 5 chemo treatments left, my mind is wandering towards the future. This whole time I have been trying to embrace the next step a little early in an attempt to prepare myself for it.

The whole chemo process is very body draining. It has at times been emotionally draining but I think that may be more because of the whole cancer picture, not just the chemo. My upcoming surgery is like the mother load to me. I am emotionally terrified of it. Not physically. I am pretty good at dealing with pain and discomfort. AND I have been pretty good and staying emotionally healthy throughout this. I guess my fear is that the double mastectomy will be the emotional unraveling of me. I think about it, what I will feel like after and I start crying. Then I think, crap, why are you crying when it has not even happened yet.

All of these thoughts, emotions and fears that I am starting to feel right now I know will help lead me towards acceptance. I know I am making the right choice for my future and I know that all the emotions, pain and the entire situation will pass with time. It is just scary right now.

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