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I'm back...well sorta

Hello everyone, I'm back.


Medically speaking I am doing pretty fabulous.  I made it through the surgery.  i am recovering pretty fast and I am able to do a little more each day.  I was surprised by the level of pain I experienced while in the hospital and my first week home. It was much more painful that i imagined, but that is in the past now.  In addition, I did not realize how much after care i would need with my various cuts and stitches, but that too will pass.  My mom has been taking care of me and i know that I would not have made it through this without her.


I also realize that I do know myself well and as I suspected this has been the most emotionally difficult part of cancer treatment.  i struggled at times with the chemo and wrapping my head around having cancer but those were minor.  I am trying to slowly deal with everything, but it is very difficult and exhausting.  


i am planning to go to NC for a few weeks to recover there.  i don't think I can stand to be in my house anymore.  I have spent 90% of my life the past 10 months in my house.  i just can't do it right now.  i guess I need to escape my life to try to heal so I can move forward. 


i feel incredibly vulnerable and fragile right now.  AND I also have some feeling of achievement.     However, for the most part right now I feel numb.  Everything is a little too much right now, too heavy, too permenent, too emotional, too exposing, too conflicted.  I fear that I will not be able to switch from cancer fight or flight mode to a normal non-cancer life.  BUT right now it is all very fresh.  I have not had time to process everything and take the healthy steps to move forward.  I know deep down that I will be better in a few weeks, physically and mentally.  I am just stuck right now in the middle, struggling.  I chose to be honest with everyone and tell you how i am not doing so well emotionally right now because 1) I like being honest and 2) I may be oversensitive and may need extra care and patience from those in my life.   


Please don't worry.  As i said before, I will overcome this last part.  I will adjust back to "normal".   I will not allow the past year and cancer to either define me or hinder me in the future.  This experience will with time make me a more caring, understanding and loving person.  I just have to travel through some knee deep mud over the next few weeks to get there.  


Much love to everyone, thank you for your love, prayers and support.

Comments

Anonymous said…
This is a big thank you to Rosie's friends that were so much help to me. When I was tired someone would stay for 7-8 hours and sometimes overnite. I could sleep better knowing that someone was there that could call me if I was needed. The meals were great. The love that poured over Rosie and me was great and will last a long time. God Bless you great beautiful friends. Love, Pam R.
October 1, 2008 at 12:41 PM
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