Skip to main content

Walking the in between

I am going towards the upside of my third treatment. There really are no words to describe what you go through during this. I have faced difficult situations before, heartbreaks, ended friendships, sickness, pain. You know moments when I thought nothing could be worse than what I was feeling in that moment. Well - I guess I have a much different outlook on pain and suffering now.

People always say kind things to try and make it better - "remember you are fighting for your life" "this is only temporary" Honestly, those are meant to be encouraging words, but unless they come from a survivor, the kind who had to do Chemo - your words are a little void of meaning. Don't get me wrong, the purpose and intent is kind but it is like you telling a starving person that the pain will go away soon, as you dine at a buffet.

I know that by Thurs or Fri I will be feeling better - just these in between days are very tough. Part of why I write what I am really feeling (not just what everyone would like to hear) is that I have this hope that someone my age, who just learned they have cancer will read these. Read the raw writing and emotion of someone who walked the walk they are forced to take. Good and Bad.

It is funny even if I feel down when I start writing - I always feel brighter after. I am thankful for that.

take care - R

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

I made a choice.

So I have spent the past few weeks thinking.   Trying to nail down what is most important.  Trying to give myself some perspective.   So I have outlined my worst case scenarios.  Worst case scenario #1:  I don't have the surgery now and end up with cancer in the next few years.   Worst case scenario #2: I have the surgery now and a few years from now I am unhappy and upset that I never had my own biological children.   Worst case scenario #3: I have horrible menopausal symptoms for the next few years.   So. When I write them out.  I see something pretty clear.  #2 and #3 are temporary and there are options for me to work through.   #1 could equal death.  Which is pretty permanent.   So. I'm gonna do it.  That's how I feel right now.  I'm going to chose short term suffering to have a better long term life.   I am trying to read up on things I can do to mitigate menopause that ...
2 comments
Read more

Please keep your hands and feet inside during the ride

Right now, 10:53 is the first moment in a month that I had to stop what I was doing to write. This moment was constant back in "the early months". The past few entries were forced and out of necessity not out of wanting to share and express my thoughts. That may have been apparent to some of you. I am trying. I am trying to slowly deal with all of this. But you see - its not like I can check off my to do list easily. So i thought i would share some of my thoughts... #1- I thank god i don't have cancer #2 - I need to relax because I don't have cancer and focus on my healing #3 - I need to accept that my best long term best option was to have a double masectomy and that i chose that and the form of reconstruction - I CHOSE #4 - I need to tell myself that once I heal I will be able to accept my appearance #5 - I need remember how i looked bald and be thankful that I have 2 inches of hair now and I should stop looking at my "before cancer" pictures and cry...
2 comments
Read more

I'm back...well sorta

Hello everyone, I'm back. Medically speaking I am doing pretty fabulous.  I made it through the surgery.  i am recovering pretty fast and I am able to do a little more each day.  I was surprised by the level of pain I experienced while in the hospital and my first week home. It was much more painful that i imagined, but that is in the past now.  In addition, I did not realize how much after care i would need with my various cuts and stitches, but that too will pass.  My mom has been taking care of me and i know that I would not have made it through this without her. I also realize that I do know myself well and as I suspected this has been the most emotionally difficult part of cancer treatment.  i struggled at times with the chemo and wrapping my head around having cancer but those were minor.  I am trying to slowly deal with everything, but it is very difficult and exhausting.   i am planning to go to NC for a few weeks to recover there.  i don't think I can stand to be...
1 comment
Read more