Skip to main content

Rolling with my hoodie

I went to Giant with my friend this weekend. It wasn't until we were in the car, down the street that I realized I walked out of the house bald. We had a moment of slight panic. I tried wrapping her scarf around my head, we searched her car for a hat and then I realized I was wearing my hoodie (I wear it everyday). I felt like an idiot because a hoodie has a hood. So we pulled up the hood and headed into the store. Not sure if you know this, but people look at you twice when you wear a hood. Try it out, go somewhere with a black hoodie, hood up. I think it scares people. Kind of funny, I am just trying to hide my cancer, not rob the joint.

I shared that story because today I answered the door bald. Did not realize I was bald for like 5 minutes. I guess I am getting used to the baldness, I don't wear hats or bandanas while in my house, so now I am walking out the door without them. However, I can tell you that I do not feel comfortable bald. Many people say things like bald is beautiful, you have to own your baldness etc. That can be true for some, but for me, I will never be 100 comfortable bald. I wear hats and bandanas that allow you to see that I am bald, without you seeing my baldness. You see for me, I felt femine because I had pretty long hair. Right now I am learning how to feel femine without hair. I am also learning how to cope with feeling exposed all the time. Cancer exposes you and being bald is just one of the ways.

I guess walking out of the house bald means I am accepting it - but I still don't like it, and well I think that is okay.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Please keep your hands and feet inside during the ride

Right now, 10:53 is the first moment in a month that I had to stop what I was doing to write. This moment was constant back in "the early months". The past few entries were forced and out of necessity not out of wanting to share and express my thoughts. That may have been apparent to some of you. I am trying. I am trying to slowly deal with all of this. But you see - its not like I can check off my to do list easily. So i thought i would share some of my thoughts... #1- I thank god i don't have cancer #2 - I need to relax because I don't have cancer and focus on my healing #3 - I need to accept that my best long term best option was to have a double masectomy and that i chose that and the form of reconstruction - I CHOSE #4 - I need to tell myself that once I heal I will be able to accept my appearance #5 - I need remember how i looked bald and be thankful that I have 2 inches of hair now and I should stop looking at my "before cancer" pictures and cry...
2 comments
Read more

I made a choice.

So I have spent the past few weeks thinking.   Trying to nail down what is most important.  Trying to give myself some perspective.   So I have outlined my worst case scenarios.  Worst case scenario #1:  I don't have the surgery now and end up with cancer in the next few years.   Worst case scenario #2: I have the surgery now and a few years from now I am unhappy and upset that I never had my own biological children.   Worst case scenario #3: I have horrible menopausal symptoms for the next few years.   So. When I write them out.  I see something pretty clear.  #2 and #3 are temporary and there are options for me to work through.   #1 could equal death.  Which is pretty permanent.   So. I'm gonna do it.  That's how I feel right now.  I'm going to chose short term suffering to have a better long term life.   I am trying to read up on things I can do to mitigate menopause that ...
2 comments
Read more

One week to S - Day

Well well well, where has the time gone? I have been busy the past month working, cleaning, and spending time with friends. I have been operating on a semi-normal schedule and have not had to many difficult emotion days. Well at least I don't remember them, Chemo brain is not fun when you are trying to remember important things, but is great when you can't remember the bad days. I still can't sleep like a normal person, which is frustrating, but honestly it is nice to have some consistency in my life. So for those of you who love drama, good news, I am losing it a bit. (Bet you were getting a little bored with the last few blogs, come on, I know you were) The impact of surgery is hitting me. One week, 7 days. I have seven days to wrap up all my work duties, take care of house stuff and prepare to have a 10 hour surgery. Talk about intense pressure. I started crying when watching some of the heartfelt Olympics’ commercials. Heck I cried when I saw the color blue the...
2 comments
Read more