Row-C

My pain level the past week has been really high. On Monday I stopped taking my pain pills; yes, I was trying to be a hero. I finally buckled about 20 minutes ago and took one. I realize now what an idiot I am. I feel 1 million times better, my mental clarity is slightly less but my mental outlook is better as I am not coping with pain. I guess sometimes you need to walk through mud to remember why the sunshine is so nice.

I am going towards the upside of my third treatment. There really are no words to describe what you go through during this. I have faced difficult situations before, heartbreaks, ended friendships, sickness, pain. You know moments when I thought nothing could be worse than what I was feeling in that moment. Well - I guess I have a much different outlook on pain and suffering now. People always say kind things to try and make it better - "remember you are fighting for your life" "this is only temporary" Honestly, those are meant to be encouraging words, but unless they come from a survivor, the kind who had to do Chemo - your words are a little void of meaning. Don't get me wrong, the purpose and intent is kind but it is like you telling a starving person that the pain will go away soon, as you dine at a buffet. I know that by Thurs or Fri I will be feeling better - just these in between days are very tough. Part of why I write what I am really feeling (no...

I had my third chemo session today. My friend Claire went with me. It's nice to have someone there; I dare say a partner in crime. Plus, since I am hooked to a machine, I get to boss around my guest to get me coffee, snacks etc. Pretty sweet, I mean they have to get stuff for me. :) I feel better this week than last week. Every time I cross a new bridge with this deal (newest bridge = hair loss) I am forced onto the roller coaster again. I have a hard time when I am sad or upset. It is really frustrating, when I feel sad I think back to the week before when I felt good, when I was happy. I sit there and try to figure out how to get back to feeling good. The answer so far has been simple, time. Time to process what is going on. Time to process how I feel and time to figure out what I can do to make it better. Sometimes there is nothing I can do and somehow in those moments one of my friends sends a text, a card, a package or email to let me know they care. It really ma...

Tonight is the official "lets shave heads" night. I think I have 4 friends who are down with it. I plan on capturing before and after photos of everyone. I hope to make a hawk happen for pictures fun. There will be a blog on the party tomorrow. On the real, this has been one of the toughest weeks. I guess going towards bald and "really feeling like a cancer patient" might be the problem. This whole situation is such a roller coaster. I really do not wish it on anyone. You start to wonder if people are doing things "because you have cancer". I mean in a lot of cases people are and that is really just a reflection of love and appreciation of me. You are just forced to deal with so many things at once, you have to slowly let out the pain and frustration. You have to slowly digest the entire situation, all the things you already know you have to face are too difficult to imagine at the same time. This is a constant learning lesson; I have to learn t...

I went ahead and shaved my head today. It has been falling out non-stop since Thursday. I traveled to Stafford today to pick up my wigs so I had Hazel go ahead and buzz cut my hair. She did leave enough at the top for a killer mohawk this weekend. I must say I was more upset this morning constantly throwing away chunks of hair than I am right now, rubbing my softly shaven head. Two new observations: 1. Everything is much colder 2. My head is much lighter

What up peeps. I just did my second round of chemo. I actually have fun there. The nurses are so my homies and I made a new friend. His name is Bernie and he is around 65ish. He is funny and his whole family has a great sense of humor. Before I left he made sure that I understood from this point on I must, yes must, save a seat for him next to me. Bernie is my BOY!!! I felt okay right after chemo but about an hour later felt pretty bad. It is hard to describe I guess it feels like a really bad flu that comes out of nowhere. So I took extra nausea meds and pain pills. So although my brain is real real slow, I feel pretty good. The nurses were shocked that I still had hair, and let me know that the hair loss will be increasing over the next week. I plan to have a head shaving party at my house next Fri or Sat. If you are local you are welcome to join the fiesta. I am hoping to be able to shave my head and leave a temporary mohawk. Why you ask? Well if not now, will I really...

Friday, February 01, 2008 Things are good. Besides a little muscle and bone pain from the darn rainy day! At least I have good pain killers ;) I am so thankful for the messages, emails, cards etc. It is really nice to hear from all of you. I am still really bad at replying at times and hope that does not upset anyone. I have made my house into a rec center with availability for mulitple TV shows, movies and/or video games to be played in 3 differant rooms. (Plus I have lots of snacks) So if you are ever bored or just want to waste your time with me (phish song anyone?) feel free to call or stop by. I like company and due to low immunity for the next six months my time out of the house will be limited. I am running low on cell phone minutes, and in fact have been charged insane rates for that reason. So if you have ATT/Cingular call me all you want. If you have something other than that you can call after 7 - text me up the wazoo (I have unlimited texts) or call me on my home n...

Wednesday, January 30, 2008 So I have seen/heard of two shirts that I must add to my collection of t-shirts... 1. Save Second Base 2. Yes they are fake, but the real ones almost killed me Freaking Hilarious - Feel free to add your own funny cancer shirts and of course, feel free to buy me the above shirts if you find them before I do. xoxo - Rosie

Tuesday, January 29, 2008 I got the results from the BRCA-1 Genetic test. This is the test to let me know if I have genetic mutated genes that made me more prone to get cancer. This test is important because it can affect my family members and it almost decides the type of surgery I will need to have in 6 months. Unfortunatly, the test result is positive, which means I did have cancer in my genes, and most likely the best course of action for surgery is a double mastectomy. I am not excited about the results, but it is what it is. This is more information than I knew yesterday and it will help to guide future decisions. Take Care kiddos - Rosie

Friday, January 25, 2008 So I had my first Chemo session yesterday. I had friends over the night before and my mommy is here. I had a really hard time sleeping Wed night, I guess I was afraid to go to bed because then Thurs morning would be there too soon. The Chemo session is long, just under 4 hours. I feel a little hot afterwards, but pretty functional. I ate at Sammy T's with my mommy afterwards and made a trip to Target. Today has been pretty good, my friend Crystal took me to get my immunity shot and I hung at home most the day. So far so good, as long as I take meds on time, if I get outside the every 5-6 hour window for my meds it takes longer for the pain or nausea to go away. (boo hiss) From what I have heard tomorrow and Sunday will be the hardest days as I will have the worse nausea on those days. I am trying to quit smoking so the cig withdrawl is kind of making me more frustrated than normal. But thanks to all who send love my way, you guys make this so much ...

Sunday, January 20, 2008 Last Friday I had a lymphnode removed on my right side and a "port" put under my skin on my left side by my collarbone. The port is where they will dose me with the Chemo treatments, this will help to preserve my left arm from getting all jacked up. Surgery went well, I had a great care taker with me afterwards (LGA's for life). I have been on pain killers since then which makes me pretty loopy. If you want to imagine what it is like to be me right now do the following.... A) Drink a few beers to get on the same delayed mental state I am in from pain killers. B)Lay down, now try to get up without using your arms. Do this multiple times and then let me know how bad your neck, back and chest feels after a few days. I think I may need a craftmatic (whatever they are called) bed that can dump me out on the floor. Anywho - on the real, I am in pain, but this will pass and until that point in time I fully intend to be loaded on pain killers. Hopef...

Jan 19 2008 What up peeps. So one of my dear friends from High School is doing the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer in May. She is doing the walk in my honor (which makes me a celebrity, right?!) So if you are crazy athletic you can join the team or if you would like to you can donate to her walk efforts. Each member needs to raise $1800, so every dollar helps. This is a great cause (duh) and makes me feel happy inside. Thanks for doing this Crystal! Check out her page: (if you copy the whole thing including the weird letters, numbers, symbols you go directly to her page). http://info.avonfoundation.org/site/TR/Walk2008/WashingtonDC ?px=3855547&pg=personal&fr_id=1430&et=f2y1Vn84REX2nUyo8pKKiQ..&s_tafId=253813

January 14, 2008 Well I no longer have to "remember" I have cancer. Now I just wake up. Which is nice, as I think that means some of the shock is wearing off. I have decided on where to get treatment and I now have a chemo start date, next Thurs 1/24. It is nice to have a plan laid out. My mommy is coming to VA next week and will stay with me for a week. Life is always nicer when you have your mommy to take care of you. Time is a funny thing, each day seems like I have 48 hours in it; however, I have known about "it" for less than a month and I swear it feels like I have been processing and working through this for a few months. I have spent the past 15 or so years collecting good friends; I really feel blessed with so many awesome people in and about my life. Good friends and family makes this whole deal a lot easier. Please note that I am really bad about returning phone calls and emails. Please dont take it personal, I swear my brain power is hovering a...

Friday, January 04, 2008 Okay - you guys ready for the next update? If not stop reading fools! I went to 4 dr appts this week, of which two were Onocologists. The good news is both Ono. think I should do the same treatment which equals about 4 months of Chemotherapy (every 2 weeks), followed by surgery and radiation (6-8 months total). I am leaving on Monday to go to FL and see my parents (they just moved there a week ago) and go and see a doctor on Wed at M.D. Anderson. I am going to have a pretty long talk with my parents after the doctor and try to figure out the big question, where to do treatment, in FL or in VA. There are many pro's and con's to both and honestly I have to just talk it out with my mommy and daddy. At this point I really no longer have any modesty with breast exposure as I have been looked at and "fondled" by so many people at this point I might just relocate to a topless beach. At least then I dont have to keep putting on those lovely ...

Jan 2 2008 So I had a pretty fantastic New Years/Birthday. I ate good food with friends, danced to some Reggae, and hung out with kick ass peeps. I hope you all had a great time with the people you love and wish you a kick booty 2008.

Dec 23 2007 So I wake up every morning and remember that I have cancer. It is like I fight little battles of acceptance with myself each day, go to sleep having worked through it all and then I wake up, and have to do it all over again. Groundhog day anyone? I know that this part will get easier with time, I mean I have known about the big C for 6 days now. I have for the first time in years, decided to not rush anything. I dont think about my life outside of 2 hours from right now. This has been quite freeing - as I normally am running 1000 miles per hour. Another note, if I talk to you on the phone in the next few days, just let me run my mouth. :) Right now my mouth is wide open and my ears are mostly shut. I guess that is how I am coping right now. I am sure most of you are shocked that I have the overwhelming drive to communicate everything I am feeling and thinking (insert heavy sarcasm here). I know over the next week, I will be able to listen more, but I think this all...

12-27-07 I had an ultrasound on my lymph nodes today and a biopsy done. FYI - Biopsies suck. So today was a pretty crappy day, painful, uncomfortable etc. In fact, today was the first day that I had a scary realization, I am going to spend a ton of time in hospitals the next 6 - 8 months and most of that time I will be miserable. I did manage to make the doctor laugh. He was kind and was aware the last thing I wanted to do was have a second biopsy. From the first one, I know that there will be a ton of soreness for at least a week, that I won't be able to drive my car (manual) and I can't really use my right hand, arm etc. (I am typing one handed, so dont judge my misspellingz). So, I told him that I had always been waiting for an opportunity to learn to write with my left hand. :) I am still trying to be healthy and positive as much as possible. Most of the day I am full of peace and acceptance. After going to the hospital I cry. (Especially when they stick me with ...

Dec 21 2007 For those of you who don't know, I found out recently that I have Breast Cancer. This is a shock to me and everyone around me. I am right now working on the acceptance of this and I am taking baby steps. Fortunately I have amazing people in my life and I have had the past 10 years to really get to know myself. I know what I can and can't do and I have been prepared by God for this experience. With that said, I have started writing again (kind of). I am standing before a mountain and you are on the other side. If I look up at the mountain it is overwhelming, but when I look at my feet I feel the ground and I walk. There is a long trail before me with moments keeping me from continuing and moments where I find your bridge and I cross. I know that I have a rough road ahead of me, and most of you have no idea what to say or how to even absorb this information. THAT IS OK! This is difficult for everyone. Right now I need everyone to be as "normal" as ...