Row-C

I just want to give a shout out to my Wed night peeps. You guys make my life brighter. I always laugh with you - almost to the point my face hurts. No matter where I am years from now I will always remember you and the support you gave me every week. Much love. Side note: I fixed my blog so anyone can make a comment - feel free kids.

On a much earlier post I mentioned I feel that I have been prepared by previous experiences to face my current situation. I wanted to share a little bit of that with you. Last year from Feb - June I went to see a doctor at least twice a month. I gave blood after almost every visit to get tested for pretty much everything under the sun (except for cancer). I was really fatigued all the time and I was in constant pain. In the end I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia, which if you are familiar basically means - you are fatigued and have constant pain. Feb to June was a really difficult time because I could not figure out what was wrong and how to fix myself. I struggled and had no hope. It was an incredibly frustrating time for me and I simply had a horrible time coping with everything. I then had problems with my eyes; they were watering all the time, like crazy waterfall watering. I went to see my eye doctor and he put me on steroids because my eye was infected and it caused my pu...

I am feeling more normal these days. I am able to drive most days and spend some time with my friends. I almost have a normal schedule ( yay ). I have also been lucky that I have not gotten sick sick (definition: sick sick - sickness that is not chemo induced) in a long time. For the past two years I have gotten sick on average every 5 weeks, so this has been my longest stretch without a cold, strep, bronchitis, or the flu. I think it may help that I don't go where lots of people are often. Plus I have become and obsessive hand washer, I carry like 3 types of lotion because my hands are so dry from the soap! I went out with friends last Saturday - it was the first time I have hung out with more than 8-10 people in many many months. I found myself with a bit of social anxiety. This is a new experience for me. I imagine this is caused by the massive amount of alone time I have had the past few months and my insecurity about being a bald cancer patient. I know this too is t...

I see how much mental outlook affects life. We all face difficult times, difficult situations. Such is life. It is how you handle yourself and the actions you take that define you. It is now that I reflect back to times in my past, times I did not handle myself well. Mistakes I have made, people I have hurt. I try really hard to be fair and to be kind but the reality of life is that we are imperfect people. I often sit and think. I think about how fortunate I am. I think of people who are facing more difficult situations than what I am dealing with now. I think at the same time about how unfair all of this is. How angry I am that I am forced to spend a year of my life dealing with all things associated with the disease. I find that no matter what I am thinking, I am okay. I think that is true for all of us. It is how we choose to think in the current moment that rules us. I try hard to find perspective and search out peace each day. Mostly I am at peace with what I have be...

I went to Giant with my friend this weekend. It wasn't until we were in the car, down the street that I realized I walked out of the house bald. We had a moment of slight panic. I tried wrapping her scarf around my head, we searched her car for a hat and then I realized I was wearing my hoodie (I wear it everyday). I felt like an idiot because a hoodie has a hood. So we pulled up the hood and headed into the store. Not sure if you know this, but people look at you twice when you wear a hood. Try it out, go somewhere with a black hoodie, hood up. I think it scares people. Kind of funny, I am just trying to hide my cancer, not rob the joint. I shared that story because today I answered the door bald. Did not realize I was bald for like 5 minutes. I guess I am getting used to the baldness, I don't wear hats or bandanas while in my house, so now I am walking out the door without them. However, I can tell you that I do not feel comfortable bald. Many people say things li...

At this point I have 10 more weeks of Chemo. During this experience I have been forced to be strong. Stay strong. Well attempt to. The problem when you are in a situation that forces you to be strong is it is really hard to let go. So far writing everything has been a way to let go because it makes me vulnerable. It is healing for me but it also scares me a little to share everything. I hope everyone who reads my blog is seeing one common thread, honesty. I don't hold back much, I try to keep it real and open. It is my way of telling cancer to f-off, a way for me to expose what cancer does and to maybe help someone else. A big part of this battle is mental outlook and support - and taking the power away from cancer is one way to do it. I feel like it has been a long time since I have let go. Since I have let down the walls I use to protect myself. I have allowed little cracks in the walls - but I seal them back up. It is amazing what the human mind can do, when I was...

It is Wed, which means Chemo is tomorrow. Wed seems to be my "thinking day", the day with the most racing thoughts and I still get nervous about Chemo. I think I only write around 5% of what I think. My brain is always ticking away, thinking about all kinds of stuff. Still trying to figure out what life is about, where I am going, and what I want to do - well that kind of stuff plus the whole cancer situation. In a weird way Cancer has brought people from my past back into my life. That is nice. I get nervous before I see someone I have not seen in years. Mostly because I look like a cancer patient. I keep waiting for me to see someone and have them cry upon the sight of me. I really really hope that does not happen - can we say AWKWARD! Hee - that word looks funny in all caps. Anywho - I am doing well - still trucking along. I get sad, I get mad, I have fun, I get tired, sometimes I fall into a void of nothing in front of the TV. You know there are a lot of emoti...