Row-C

So I have spent the past few weeks thinking.   Trying to nail down what is most important.  Trying to give myself some perspective.   So I have outlined my worst case scenarios.  Worst case scenario #1:  I don't have the surgery now and end up with cancer in the next few years.   Worst case scenario #2: I have the surgery now and a few years from now I am unhappy and upset that I never had my own biological children.   Worst case scenario #3: I have horrible menopausal symptoms for the next few years.   So. When I write them out.  I see something pretty clear.  #2 and #3 are temporary and there are options for me to work through.   #1 could equal death.  Which is pretty permanent.   So. I'm gonna do it.  That's how I feel right now.  I'm going to chose short term suffering to have a better long term life.   I am trying to read up on things I can do to mitigate menopause that ...

 I haven't written here in a long time.  Not regularly   since cancer days when I was trying to cope and process everything.  I have found myself in a situation I am having trouble fully wrapping my head around.  I don't have cancer again (insert wood knocking)  but I am making a difficult choice.  This choice will significantly lower my future cancer risks.  But at the cost of biological children.   Here are the facts. I'm 37.  Statistically if I have my ovaries taken out (oophorectomy) prior to 40 then I will have an 80% reduction in my risk of ovarian cancer.  Ovarian cancer is nasty and often fatal because it is so hard to detect.  I have BRCA1 gene and I am a Breast cancer survivor.   Based on my history it is beneficial to also do a total hysterectomy at the same time.  My lady parts history makes me a bad candidate for laparoscopic so I have to do old school abdominal surgery with 6 week rec...

It is not until watching "Soul Surfer" yesterday and traveling to the Making Strides Against Breast Cancer Walk Kick-off breakfast this morning that I could make sense of the past year. I have both struggled intensely and been blessed completely. But I have felt dragged down and out through it all. I can say today, that I am incredibly fortunate. I am incredibly blessed. I have amazing friends, loving family and the ability to function each day on my own two feet. I am alive. I realize today I need to move forward into my next stage of healing. I need to forgive myself for not being perfect and making mistakes. I need to learn and grow from those mistakes. I need to forgive those who have hurt me and let go of the friendships I have lost. I need to remember daily how fortunate I am and thank god for every morning. I need to focus on those I love more than on myself. I need to say "US, WE, OUR" more than "I". I was hurt deeply in 2010 and it c...

Well well well.... Let's see, I have since I last wrote, graduated from Germanna (Finally!) and started school at an affiliate school of the University of Mary Washington. My first class is business law and honestly I kind of avoid doing the reading. When it is time to read I find I must do really important things like, dishes and laundry etc. But I am glad to be continuing my school and will hopefully graduate with my Bach in a few years. I was able to get down to SC and see my sister and her family, which was a short but great visit. It had been WAY too long since I had seen my niece. I also just recenlty went to NC and saw my mom and dad. Again, way to short of a visit but still nice to get to see them. I headed to NYC at the end of July to celebrate my friend's birthday and had a really good time. It was my first long trek in a bus, which was interesting but totally worth it to save BIG money. I don't really have to much to say, just that life is good. I am heal...

I spent some time today reading emails. I put a bunch of emails that I was sent back during the whole "cancer thing" into a folder. Today was the first day I went back to them. I felt so blessed as I read them. I am really forgetful these days and reading the words of love and encouragement from the past was really beautiful. One of my greatest struggles over the past year has been allowing myself to feel emotions. I did not even realize that I had emotionally shut myself off. As I was physically healing from the chemo and surgeries I started to become overwhelmed with emotions. I was nearing the time to go back to work, and I started to freak out. I knew that if I did not start to process everything that happened I would completely lose it. The thought of that terrified me. So I started seeing a therapist to try to learn how to process and cope with it all. I had to go back through the past year, and as I did, I realized that I had shut down my ability to feel emoti...

I just took a gander at my blog and realized I have not written here in 5 months. Yikes! The good news is that lots of fun and happiness has gone on in those 5 months. First off - I actually bought and mailed Christmas presents to my family BEFORE Christmas. AND they liked the gifts. Might not sound like a feat to most, but the past two Christmases did not really exist in my mind. I totally ignored them. Being that I was diagnosed 6 days before Christmas that makes sense. SOOO I am very happy to be back in the holiday game. Second - I turned 30 on Jan 1st. I had the most fabulous birthday week. Yes, I gave myself an entire birthday week. I had some of my most very favorite people come into town. This was by far my favorite birthday EVER. I felt so loved and special and so excited to be out of my twenties! I am so ready for 2010 and what the future brings. So Yay! Third - I did a Breast Cancer Walk back in October. It was by far one of the most healing things I have done ...