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Here and Now (a little scattered)

It is not until watching "Soul Surfer" yesterday and traveling to the Making Strides Against Breast Cancer Walk Kick-off breakfast this morning that I could make sense of the past year. I have both struggled intensely and been blessed completely. But I have felt dragged down and out through it all.

I can say today, that I am incredibly fortunate. I am incredibly blessed. I have amazing friends, loving family and the ability to function each day on my own two feet. I am alive.

I realize today I need to move forward into my next stage of healing. I need to forgive myself for not being perfect and making mistakes. I need to learn and grow from those mistakes. I need to forgive those who have hurt me and let go of the friendships I have lost.

I need to remember daily how fortunate I am and thank god for every morning. I need to focus on those I love more than on myself. I need to say "US, WE, OUR" more than "I".

I was hurt deeply in 2010 and it caused me to bottle up and question EVERY friendship I have or have ever had. It made me doubt everything about myself. The past year has been hard and it has been self inflicted by my own anger and insecurities.

I have not relied on God I have not prayed for help I have not let go and I have not relied on what I know to be true. That everything happens for a reason, and that each day I can grow closer or farther from God based on the choices I make.

I know that from this minute onward, I will try to be less selfish and more caring to my loved ones. I will try to let go and forgive. I will try to find peace and I will do all this knowing it cannot be done without faith. I will try to be mindful.

One huge factor of how greatly I have been blessed is that in the past year I found my love. I have found the man I want to have a family with and share my life with. I want to be the best most loving and supportive fiance and wife I can be. I want to be more concerned with his needs than my own. I truly and deeply love him more every day. I want to continue to build a relationship based on love and being ourselves, good and bad.

I appreciate this moment right now, where I realize that I must fight my own negativity, my own doubts and let go of the anger and "unfairness" of what I went through. Because honestly, it has made me who I am today and I need to learn to love that person and be thankful I survived what I have gone through.

I am hoping to focus more on what I have than on what I don't. And I pray that I can learn to let go in a positive healthy loving way, not as a defense.

I am thankful for today.

Comments

Wugger said…
Hi Baby Baby... I read your blog and wish I was closer to you!!! To be their for you and beat up all the bullshit-ers! I miss you and wish I could have you more in my life! I have had a hard year too and I took your words to heart! We are so lucky to have the friends and families we do because otherwise I may have gone crazy by now! Also our faith is so important but often put on the back-burner... I am so happy and excited for your engagement!!! I love you and want you to always remember... CHEESEBURGER!!! I'm always up for one or 2 burgers and some chicken fingers!!! and some BEER! and some good music!!
August 4, 2011 at 3:14 PM
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