Row-C

Hello I made a plan. I spent time thinking about it and working out the details.  I was feeling pretty good about it.  In retrospect pretty sure that was my first mistake! Soooooo......My mom hurt her ankle and cannot put pressure on it walking or driving.  She is in a lot of pain and will not be able to make the drive up for my surgery.  I will now be spending the first week of recovery here at home vs. with my parents in NC.  (Prayers for a speedy recovery for mom is appreciated!) So I needed a new plan quickly and I was starting to panic about what to do.  I wasn't planning on having to make meals and wasn't planning on going up and down stairs right away.  Wasn't planning to dodge my boxer from jumping or sitting on me.  Plus Jon has to work Fri, Sat, Sun and Monday so I was worried how it would all pan out when I get home from the hospital on Friday.   Right away my dear neighbor Denise stepped up to calm me down and to ...

So I have spent the past few weeks thinking.   Trying to nail down what is most important.  Trying to give myself some perspective.   So I have outlined my worst case scenarios.  Worst case scenario #1:  I don't have the surgery now and end up with cancer in the next few years.   Worst case scenario #2: I have the surgery now and a few years from now I am unhappy and upset that I never had my own biological children.   Worst case scenario #3: I have horrible menopausal symptoms for the next few years.   So. When I write them out.  I see something pretty clear.  #2 and #3 are temporary and there are options for me to work through.   #1 could equal death.  Which is pretty permanent.   So. I'm gonna do it.  That's how I feel right now.  I'm going to chose short term suffering to have a better long term life.   I am trying to read up on things I can do to mitigate menopause that ...

 I haven't written here in a long time.  Not regularly   since cancer days when I was trying to cope and process everything.  I have found myself in a situation I am having trouble fully wrapping my head around.  I don't have cancer again (insert wood knocking)  but I am making a difficult choice.  This choice will significantly lower my future cancer risks.  But at the cost of biological children.   Here are the facts. I'm 37.  Statistically if I have my ovaries taken out (oophorectomy) prior to 40 then I will have an 80% reduction in my risk of ovarian cancer.  Ovarian cancer is nasty and often fatal because it is so hard to detect.  I have BRCA1 gene and I am a Breast cancer survivor.   Based on my history it is beneficial to also do a total hysterectomy at the same time.  My lady parts history makes me a bad candidate for laparoscopic so I have to do old school abdominal surgery with 6 week rec...

It is not until watching "Soul Surfer" yesterday and traveling to the Making Strides Against Breast Cancer Walk Kick-off breakfast this morning that I could make sense of the past year. I have both struggled intensely and been blessed completely. But I have felt dragged down and out through it all. I can say today, that I am incredibly fortunate. I am incredibly blessed. I have amazing friends, loving family and the ability to function each day on my own two feet. I am alive. I realize today I need to move forward into my next stage of healing. I need to forgive myself for not being perfect and making mistakes. I need to learn and grow from those mistakes. I need to forgive those who have hurt me and let go of the friendships I have lost. I need to remember daily how fortunate I am and thank god for every morning. I need to focus on those I love more than on myself. I need to say "US, WE, OUR" more than "I". I was hurt deeply in 2010 and it c...

Well well well.... Let's see, I have since I last wrote, graduated from Germanna (Finally!) and started school at an affiliate school of the University of Mary Washington. My first class is business law and honestly I kind of avoid doing the reading. When it is time to read I find I must do really important things like, dishes and laundry etc. But I am glad to be continuing my school and will hopefully graduate with my Bach in a few years. I was able to get down to SC and see my sister and her family, which was a short but great visit. It had been WAY too long since I had seen my niece. I also just recenlty went to NC and saw my mom and dad. Again, way to short of a visit but still nice to get to see them. I headed to NYC at the end of July to celebrate my friend's birthday and had a really good time. It was my first long trek in a bus, which was interesting but totally worth it to save BIG money. I don't really have to much to say, just that life is good. I am heal...

I spent some time today reading emails. I put a bunch of emails that I was sent back during the whole "cancer thing" into a folder. Today was the first day I went back to them. I felt so blessed as I read them. I am really forgetful these days and reading the words of love and encouragement from the past was really beautiful. One of my greatest struggles over the past year has been allowing myself to feel emotions. I did not even realize that I had emotionally shut myself off. As I was physically healing from the chemo and surgeries I started to become overwhelmed with emotions. I was nearing the time to go back to work, and I started to freak out. I knew that if I did not start to process everything that happened I would completely lose it. The thought of that terrified me. So I started seeing a therapist to try to learn how to process and cope with it all. I had to go back through the past year, and as I did, I realized that I had shut down my ability to feel emoti...

I just took a gander at my blog and realized I have not written here in 5 months. Yikes! The good news is that lots of fun and happiness has gone on in those 5 months. First off - I actually bought and mailed Christmas presents to my family BEFORE Christmas. AND they liked the gifts. Might not sound like a feat to most, but the past two Christmases did not really exist in my mind. I totally ignored them. Being that I was diagnosed 6 days before Christmas that makes sense. SOOO I am very happy to be back in the holiday game. Second - I turned 30 on Jan 1st. I had the most fabulous birthday week. Yes, I gave myself an entire birthday week. I had some of my most very favorite people come into town. This was by far my favorite birthday EVER. I felt so loved and special and so excited to be out of my twenties! I am so ready for 2010 and what the future brings. So Yay! Third - I did a Breast Cancer Walk back in October. It was by far one of the most healing things I have done ...

My My My it has been a while since I have posted on here. First off, just celebrated my 1 year cancer free anniversary. It snuck up on me, I did not even realize until around 6pm on the 21st that it had been a year. I was both really happy and suddenly emotional. I thought about where I was last year. Specifically right after my surgery. I was in a vast amount of pain. I had never in my life felt pain like that. I was shocked that I could not walk up stairs, I could not lift my arms up to turn on a light. I was completely dependent on my family and friends for everything. AND yes I mean EVERYTHING. I remember the first shower I was able to take one week after my surgery. I had to go up the stairs, which was a huge task in itself. My friend came over with the task to help me get up the stairs and shower. I remember standing in the shower crying, trying to be strong trying to not think about how my friend is washing me, how my friend is seeing everything, my scars, my disfig...

Howdy peeps. Things are going really well. I am getting back into the swing of life and it feels great. I also bought a new car...well a truck. A Toyota Tacoma and I LOVE it. For those of you who don't know I have been borderline obsessed with the Tacoma since the age of 16. So I got my dream truck. Let's just say it makes me really happy and I love to drive it. If I see you, it will be the first thing I will mention and I will probably want to talk about it for about 20 minutes. Humor me people, I have wanted this for a REAL long time ;) I have been back in the office, and although I was initially scared and nervous about it, it has been really great. It is so nice to see everyone at work and I am feeling more and more normal Rosie everyday. I still have memory and retention issues so if I forget your birthday or forget about plans we had I am really sorry. I am trying to write everything down, so if you want to be proactive and remind me - well that will help! I hope...

I have officially been off the pain pills for a few days. I have a hard time taking them for more than a week. I really hate not knowing if I am happy because I am happy or because I am high off the pain pills. So I prefer to deal with the pain, which is much less than last week, and know how I feel. Life is good, I am happier with the results from this surgery and as each day passes I feel a little closer to being done with all of this. Still have a bit of the one day at a time going on, but we all have that to face at different times and I am okay with it. Later gators, hope you are all enjoying the warm Feb weather. -R

I am home from surgery. I am in more pain than I imagined and in more places than I expected. So that sucks. However, I am alive and have a ton of movies to watch. I think I will be happy with the end result of this surgery, I am just really irritable and cranky right now. I guess the whole "pain" thing has something to do with that. P.S. If you come and visit me, I like cookies.

So...I have my second surgery scheduled for Feb 2nd. I have not really taken the time to write about it because, well because after an 11 hour massive surgery this 2-3 hour jam is not that intimidating. I guess my fear with this one is that it could be the last one, which is great but also means I am entering the "this is how you will be" phase of my reconstruction. The past surgery was difficult for many reasons, painful, scary, very permanent in a no turning back way, very emotional as a woman etc. So I have been coping with how I look physically but at the same time knew I had another surgery to refine it all. I have on the emotional front been enjoying my therapy sessions, trying to come to terms with the past year, and trying to improve my overall emotional health. I am working hard to surround myself with the positive and have a knee jerk reaction to negative settings. This too will balance out with time. I have in addition, been working on my communication and hon...

Hewwo everybody :) Well I had my "snap back moment" on my birthday. I was star gazing on my day of birth, taking a little solo time and I started to think, what do I have to be thankful for. And it came to me. I am alive. In that exact moment everything from the past year came full circle. I immediately became excited about all the possibilities I have before me, in 2009 and beyond. I also gave myself a little pat on the back for making through the past year, without losing the things I hold dear. I am excited to continue to shake off the trauma from the last year and fall into my full stride. I had a great time in the OBX and found that I was able to really be myself, laughing, joking, sprinkling in a little deep thoughts and just gettin down. I hope you all had a great new year and I wish you all the best. xoxo - Rosie

Happy holidays to everyone, I hope you are enjoying time with your family. Well my Christmas was nice, I spent time with 4 different families that I hold dear. I did however, avoid most of the holiday flair this year. I guess I have too many memories from last year and how insane the holidays were, after being diagnosed with cancer. So I kind of avoided the whole deal, I did not even get my tree put up, I did get it out of the closet, just never took it out of the box. I only got presents for people that I would actually see, so most of my family with have to wait for me to get my act together in January. (I know I suck) I am preparing for my 29th birthday on Thursday and I am kind of hoping that will snap me back into action. I remember last year, I had a great time seeing the Transmitters play, but the entire night was full of me remembering that I had cancer. So my thoughts were, "dance dance, yay it's my birthday, oh crap I have cancer", repeat until 4 am. I am...

Well Well Well - here we are in Dec. My official day back to work is this Wed, I was planning on today being my first day but ran into some issues with doctors notes - so Wed is the day. I am excited to be going back to work, and continuing to morph back into a normal life schedule. I had a really good thanksgiving week/weekend and all is well - except for my brand new computer (3 months old) totally taking a nose dive on Sat. Hopefully my dad can walk me through how to fix it without having to wipe the entire hard drive. But alas, this is part of owning technology.  I am still flying pretty high and feel lots of love for lots of people. I guess it turns out that I am a LOVER not a HATER. Hmmm did not see that one coming. I guess the only thing I have to get out is that I have been cheating on my blog. Yes, I am a cheater. I have spent the past month writing via pen and paper AND in my head. I feel bad because over the past year, blog, you and I have been pretty close and it just seems...

Excitement. A simple emotion. One you feel when you anticipate doing something that brings you joy and pleasure. I was void of excitement from Dec 2007 to Sept 2008, 10 months of survival. Appreciation. An often ignored thought. One I have been embracing whole hearted for the past month. Put it together...I am so thankful to feel excitement again. To have the opportunity to experience fun. I had no idea how lacking my life had been of true fun and excitement. Until I started to feel it again. At first, I thought maybe I had drank too much coffee, maybe I had some jitters from "the sauce" but no I have things to be excited about. Dinner with friends, music, movies, driving my car, sleeping normal hours. In fact, I went grocery shopping and was just simply thrilled at the idea that I can buy WHATEVER I want in the store, totally up to me. AND I am able to drive myself, cook my food and clean the dishes without having to move a mountain to complete said tasks. Very e...

I met with my therapist on Friday. I was a little nervous about this whole thing, BUT it turned out to be a very relaxing setting. I felt good because through talking to her I realized that I have figured out some of this on my own. For example, I realized that part of why this is hitting me so hard now is that before my surgery I had the "I might die" thoughts in the back of my head for 10 months - I was in "survival mode" not "healing mode". Now that those are gone, I am dealing with all the lessor thoughts and emotions, which have been overwhelming at times. So I am trying to section off all of this and tackle it one thing at a time. I think meeting with her will be helpful and is what I need right now. I guess the weirdest stuff I am adapting to right now is the fact that I am terrified to inconvenience people. I am very sensitive to the vibes I get from others and I have a knee jerk reaction if I think I could be inconveniencing someone. I also...

In the past few weeks I have realized that I have a lot of personal/mental healing to tackle. I first noticed this when my reaction to stressful situations was not rational. Or another way to put it is, this girl is crying over spilt milk, and then crying over all the milk she has ever spilt in her life. Then crying because there is so much milk to spill in the world. Then realizing that she is afraid of cows and can only eat Chick-fil-a for fear of any future run-ins with cows. Whew, does that lay it out for ya? So I have taken the steps towards setting up time with a therapist. I guess what I am working towards is processing this past year now to avoid a huge emotional breakdown in the future. When I think back over the past year I realize that I allowed myself very few and very brief crying moments. That was needed so I could get through all the chemo, the surgery, pretty much all the daily cancer drama. Now that I don't have the cancer anymore, I am dealing with the emotional s...

I just got home from NC about 30 minutes ago. When I left 3 weeks ago I hated my house. I had spent 90% percent of my life INSIDE my house since last December. So I left and spent time in other peoples houses. (A big thank you to the wonderful people who let me take up space: Rocky, Katie, Noah, Kari, Danny, Gia AND Austin.) I was not sure how I would feel when I walked into my house. I'll break it down for you - I felt like hugging my couch and had to hold back from kissing the walls. Don't even get me started on my Tivo, my glorious Tivo. I guess I had to leave to be able to appreicate it all. All my stuff in one place. Dang am I a happy camper.

Right now, 10:53 is the first moment in a month that I had to stop what I was doing to write. This moment was constant back in "the early months". The past few entries were forced and out of necessity not out of wanting to share and express my thoughts. That may have been apparent to some of you. I am trying. I am trying to slowly deal with all of this. But you see - its not like I can check off my to do list easily. So i thought i would share some of my thoughts... #1- I thank god i don't have cancer #2 - I need to relax because I don't have cancer and focus on my healing #3 - I need to accept that my best long term best option was to have a double masectomy and that i chose that and the form of reconstruction - I CHOSE #4 - I need to tell myself that once I heal I will be able to accept my appearance #5 - I need remember how i looked bald and be thankful that I have 2 inches of hair now and I should stop looking at my "before cancer" pictures and cry...