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Please keep your hands and feet inside during the ride

Right now, 10:53 is the first moment in a month that I had to stop what I was doing to write. This moment was constant back in "the early months". The past few entries were forced and out of necessity not out of wanting to share and express my thoughts. That may have been apparent to some of you.

I am trying. I am trying to slowly deal with all of this. But you see - its not like I can check off my to do list easily. So i thought i would share some of my thoughts...

#1- I thank god i don't have cancer

#2 - I need to relax because I don't have cancer and focus on my healing

#3 - I need to accept that my best long term best option was to have a double masectomy and that i chose that and the form of reconstruction - I CHOSE

#4 - I need to tell myself that once I heal I will be able to accept my appearance

#5 - I need remember how i looked bald and be thankful that I have 2 inches of hair now and I should stop looking at my "before cancer" pictures and crying because I am so far from that right now.

#6 - i should let myself cry sometimes, I don't always have to hold it together

#7 - I should realize that my friends and family want to help me through this I am not an inconvenience, well most of the time ;)

#8 - This is a biggie = I need to truly believe that real beauty is who you are not how you look - in spite of the fact that I will for my entire life live in a world that most of the time will shove appearance as the #1 down my throat. With that in mind I need to regain my confidence in who i am and what I have to offer.

#9 - I need to stop distracting myself and hiding from my personal recovery - I need to face it head on -- which for me is more scary than dealing with cancer.

#10 - I need to let those who support and love me know how much I love them, I need to be gentle and cautious because not everyone can handle my "humor" and that some very loving good people are silent because they are afraid they will say the wrong things

***I need to expose the most personal and protected part of me - my damaged femininity - fully to my faith so that God may heal me***

Right now in this moment, I have started a new fight - "the I don't have cancer but now I am really processing the toll cancer has taken on me, plus I have to accept my new body and heal my physical and mental scars, while still holding onto the things I love about my personality and try really really hard not to be bitter." phew - say that 10 times fast.

I have taken my first step towards acceptance of the above mentioned fight and it feels pretty good.

i did not spellcheck - don't hate.

Comments

Filia Ecclesiae said…
You are BEAUTIFUL and I love you!!! Oh ... it's Kelly. :)
September 26, 2008 at 9:42 AM
Anonymous said…
Don't forget: it took your body more than 2 years to develop the cancer that you have just finished banishing from your body. You are allowed time to climb back from this fight that took so much time from you. love, Claire
September 28, 2008 at 6:29 AM
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