I spent some time today reading emails. I put a bunch of emails that I was sent back during the whole "cancer thing" into a folder. Today was the first day I went back to them.
I felt so blessed as I read them. I am really forgetful these days and reading the words of love and encouragement from the past was really beautiful.
One of my greatest struggles over the past year has been allowing myself to feel emotions. I did not even realize that I had emotionally shut myself off. As I was physically healing from the chemo and surgeries I started to become overwhelmed with emotions. I was nearing the time to go back to work, and I started to freak out. I knew that if I did not start to process everything that happened I would completely lose it. The thought of that terrified me. So I started seeing a therapist to try to learn how to process and cope with it all.
I had to go back through the past year, and as I did, I realized that I had shut down my ability to feel emotions. I forced myself to focus only on surviving the physical pain and side affects.
I have worked hard the past year and a half to become emotionally healthy again. At first, when I would get upset, I would literally shake my head, as to shake off the emotion. I did not allow myself to feel anything. With time I was able to stop doing that. The next phase was me constantly questioning whether I was feeling the appropriate amount of emotion. If I was sad, I sat there and focused on whether I was allowed to be sad, and if so how sad etc. This last part went on for close to a year.
I recently had a situation that exposed me emotionally and I felt incredibly vulnerable. I am happy to say that I was able to allow myself to feel what I felt in the moment. I was sad and being sad was okay. Once I felt my feelings, I then took the time to process how and why I felt the way I did. Although it was difficult, I was for the first time since 2007, having an emotionally healthy response. In the moment of the pain I questioned God, not the existence but I wanted to know why I was feeling such pain. Although I don't have the answer to that question, I am so thankful for the opportunity to take a situation and process it.
It feels so good to get back more and more pieces of myself. I have truly learned over the past few years that often the right thing is the hardest and through sadness and confusion you can find your peace. I am so thankful to be able to see my progress, to see where I was before cancer, during cancer and now in the wake of it all.
Much love - R
I felt so blessed as I read them. I am really forgetful these days and reading the words of love and encouragement from the past was really beautiful.
One of my greatest struggles over the past year has been allowing myself to feel emotions. I did not even realize that I had emotionally shut myself off. As I was physically healing from the chemo and surgeries I started to become overwhelmed with emotions. I was nearing the time to go back to work, and I started to freak out. I knew that if I did not start to process everything that happened I would completely lose it. The thought of that terrified me. So I started seeing a therapist to try to learn how to process and cope with it all.
I had to go back through the past year, and as I did, I realized that I had shut down my ability to feel emotions. I forced myself to focus only on surviving the physical pain and side affects.
I have worked hard the past year and a half to become emotionally healthy again. At first, when I would get upset, I would literally shake my head, as to shake off the emotion. I did not allow myself to feel anything. With time I was able to stop doing that. The next phase was me constantly questioning whether I was feeling the appropriate amount of emotion. If I was sad, I sat there and focused on whether I was allowed to be sad, and if so how sad etc. This last part went on for close to a year.
I recently had a situation that exposed me emotionally and I felt incredibly vulnerable. I am happy to say that I was able to allow myself to feel what I felt in the moment. I was sad and being sad was okay. Once I felt my feelings, I then took the time to process how and why I felt the way I did. Although it was difficult, I was for the first time since 2007, having an emotionally healthy response. In the moment of the pain I questioned God, not the existence but I wanted to know why I was feeling such pain. Although I don't have the answer to that question, I am so thankful for the opportunity to take a situation and process it.
It feels so good to get back more and more pieces of myself. I have truly learned over the past few years that often the right thing is the hardest and through sadness and confusion you can find your peace. I am so thankful to be able to see my progress, to see where I was before cancer, during cancer and now in the wake of it all.
Much love - R
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