Skip to main content

Well hello there...

Excitement. A simple emotion. One you feel when you anticipate doing something that brings you joy and pleasure. I was void of excitement from Dec 2007 to Sept 2008, 10 months of survival.

Appreciation. An often ignored thought. One I have been embracing whole hearted for the past month.

Put it together...I am so thankful to feel excitement again. To have the opportunity to experience fun. I had no idea how lacking my life had been of true fun and excitement. Until I started to feel it again. At first, I thought maybe I had drank too much coffee, maybe I had some jitters from "the sauce" but no I have things to be excited about. Dinner with friends, music, movies, driving my car, sleeping normal hours. In fact, I went grocery shopping and was just simply thrilled at the idea that I can buy WHATEVER I want in the store, totally up to me. AND I am able to drive myself, cook my food and clean the dishes without having to move a mountain to complete said tasks. Very exciting stuff.

I have spent more time with my therapist and it is giving me a huge helping of hope. I am starting to go back over the past year and I am allowing myself to figure out how I feel about it all. I could not fully feel anything in the past 10 months because it was all too much. I was afraid that if I allowed myself to feel too much I would fall apart. It got me through it all, with my sanity intact, but I really have to re-live it now so I can move forward. I am lucky that my therapist #1 gets my sense of humor and #2 understands what I need. I look forward to my sessions and I feel real improvement when I leave.

I know that I could function without the therapy, but I also know that would lead to me really losing it in a few months. I guess I am investing time right now so that I will be able to really live in the future. This experience has changed me, (once you go cancer, you never go back) BUT I also know that this experience will allow me to be a better version of myself. I am more aware, accepting and appreciative than I have ever been in my life. (yes I like words that start with A)

I want to thank everyone for their kind words and prayers: it is a beautiful thing to reach out and show love, so thank you.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

I made a choice.

So I have spent the past few weeks thinking.   Trying to nail down what is most important.  Trying to give myself some perspective.   So I have outlined my worst case scenarios.  Worst case scenario #1:  I don't have the surgery now and end up with cancer in the next few years.   Worst case scenario #2: I have the surgery now and a few years from now I am unhappy and upset that I never had my own biological children.   Worst case scenario #3: I have horrible menopausal symptoms for the next few years.   So. When I write them out.  I see something pretty clear.  #2 and #3 are temporary and there are options for me to work through.   #1 could equal death.  Which is pretty permanent.   So. I'm gonna do it.  That's how I feel right now.  I'm going to chose short term suffering to have a better long term life.   I am trying to read up on things I can do to mitigate menopause that ...
2 comments
Read more

Chemo Round numero dos

What up peeps. I just did my second round of chemo. I actually have fun there. The nurses are so my homies and I made a new friend. His name is Bernie and he is around 65ish. He is funny and his whole family has a great sense of humor. Before I left he made sure that I understood from this point on I must, yes must, save a seat for him next to me. Bernie is my BOY!!! I felt okay right after chemo but about an hour later felt pretty bad. It is hard to describe I guess it feels like a really bad flu that comes out of nowhere. So I took extra nausea meds and pain pills. So although my brain is real real slow, I feel pretty good. The nurses were shocked that I still had hair, and let me know that the hair loss will be increasing over the next week. I plan to have a head shaving party at my house next Fri or Sat. If you are local you are welcome to join the fiesta. I am hoping to be able to shave my head and leave a temporary mohawk. Why you ask? Well if not now, will I really...
2 comments
Read more

One week to S - Day

Well well well, where has the time gone? I have been busy the past month working, cleaning, and spending time with friends. I have been operating on a semi-normal schedule and have not had to many difficult emotion days. Well at least I don't remember them, Chemo brain is not fun when you are trying to remember important things, but is great when you can't remember the bad days. I still can't sleep like a normal person, which is frustrating, but honestly it is nice to have some consistency in my life. So for those of you who love drama, good news, I am losing it a bit. (Bet you were getting a little bored with the last few blogs, come on, I know you were) The impact of surgery is hitting me. One week, 7 days. I have seven days to wrap up all my work duties, take care of house stuff and prepare to have a 10 hour surgery. Talk about intense pressure. I started crying when watching some of the heartfelt Olympics’ commercials. Heck I cried when I saw the color blue the...
2 comments
Read more