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Excitement. A simple emotion. One you feel when you anticipate doing something that brings you joy and pleasure. I was void of excitement from Dec 2007 to Sept 2008, 10 months of survival.

Appreciation. An often ignored thought. One I have been embracing whole hearted for the past month.

Put it together...I am so thankful to feel excitement again. To have the opportunity to experience fun. I had no idea how lacking my life had been of true fun and excitement. Until I started to feel it again. At first, I thought maybe I had drank too much coffee, maybe I had some jitters from "the sauce" but no I have things to be excited about. Dinner with friends, music, movies, driving my car, sleeping normal hours. In fact, I went grocery shopping and was just simply thrilled at the idea that I can buy WHATEVER I want in the store, totally up to me. AND I am able to drive myself, cook my food and clean the dishes without having to move a mountain to complete said tasks. Very exciting stuff.

I have spent more time with my therapist and it is giving me a huge helping of hope. I am starting to go back over the past year and I am allowing myself to figure out how I feel about it all. I could not fully feel anything in the past 10 months because it was all too much. I was afraid that if I allowed myself to feel too much I would fall apart. It got me through it all, with my sanity intact, but I really have to re-live it now so I can move forward. I am lucky that my therapist #1 gets my sense of humor and #2 understands what I need. I look forward to my sessions and I feel real improvement when I leave.

I know that I could function without the therapy, but I also know that would lead to me really losing it in a few months. I guess I am investing time right now so that I will be able to really live in the future. This experience has changed me, (once you go cancer, you never go back) BUT I also know that this experience will allow me to be a better version of myself. I am more aware, accepting and appreciative than I have ever been in my life. (yes I like words that start with A)

I want to thank everyone for their kind words and prayers: it is a beautiful thing to reach out and show love, so thank you.

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