Row-C

Excitement. A simple emotion. One you feel when you anticipate doing something that brings you joy and pleasure. I was void of excitement from Dec 2007 to Sept 2008, 10 months of survival. Appreciation. An often ignored thought. One I have been embracing whole hearted for the past month. Put it together...I am so thankful to feel excitement again. To have the opportunity to experience fun. I had no idea how lacking my life had been of true fun and excitement. Until I started to feel it again. At first, I thought maybe I had drank too much coffee, maybe I had some jitters from "the sauce" but no I have things to be excited about. Dinner with friends, music, movies, driving my car, sleeping normal hours. In fact, I went grocery shopping and was just simply thrilled at the idea that I can buy WHATEVER I want in the store, totally up to me. AND I am able to drive myself, cook my food and clean the dishes without having to move a mountain to complete said tasks. Very e...

I met with my therapist on Friday. I was a little nervous about this whole thing, BUT it turned out to be a very relaxing setting. I felt good because through talking to her I realized that I have figured out some of this on my own. For example, I realized that part of why this is hitting me so hard now is that before my surgery I had the "I might die" thoughts in the back of my head for 10 months - I was in "survival mode" not "healing mode". Now that those are gone, I am dealing with all the lessor thoughts and emotions, which have been overwhelming at times. So I am trying to section off all of this and tackle it one thing at a time. I think meeting with her will be helpful and is what I need right now. I guess the weirdest stuff I am adapting to right now is the fact that I am terrified to inconvenience people. I am very sensitive to the vibes I get from others and I have a knee jerk reaction if I think I could be inconveniencing someone. I also...

In the past few weeks I have realized that I have a lot of personal/mental healing to tackle. I first noticed this when my reaction to stressful situations was not rational. Or another way to put it is, this girl is crying over spilt milk, and then crying over all the milk she has ever spilt in her life. Then crying because there is so much milk to spill in the world. Then realizing that she is afraid of cows and can only eat Chick-fil-a for fear of any future run-ins with cows. Whew, does that lay it out for ya? So I have taken the steps towards setting up time with a therapist. I guess what I am working towards is processing this past year now to avoid a huge emotional breakdown in the future. When I think back over the past year I realize that I allowed myself very few and very brief crying moments. That was needed so I could get through all the chemo, the surgery, pretty much all the daily cancer drama. Now that I don't have the cancer anymore, I am dealing with the emotional s...

I just got home from NC about 30 minutes ago. When I left 3 weeks ago I hated my house. I had spent 90% percent of my life INSIDE my house since last December. So I left and spent time in other peoples houses. (A big thank you to the wonderful people who let me take up space: Rocky, Katie, Noah, Kari, Danny, Gia AND Austin.) I was not sure how I would feel when I walked into my house. I'll break it down for you - I felt like hugging my couch and had to hold back from kissing the walls. Don't even get me started on my Tivo, my glorious Tivo. I guess I had to leave to be able to appreicate it all. All my stuff in one place. Dang am I a happy camper.

Right now, 10:53 is the first moment in a month that I had to stop what I was doing to write. This moment was constant back in "the early months". The past few entries were forced and out of necessity not out of wanting to share and express my thoughts. That may have been apparent to some of you. I am trying. I am trying to slowly deal with all of this. But you see - its not like I can check off my to do list easily. So i thought i would share some of my thoughts... #1- I thank god i don't have cancer #2 - I need to relax because I don't have cancer and focus on my healing #3 - I need to accept that my best long term best option was to have a double masectomy and that i chose that and the form of reconstruction - I CHOSE #4 - I need to tell myself that once I heal I will be able to accept my appearance #5 - I need remember how i looked bald and be thankful that I have 2 inches of hair now and I should stop looking at my "before cancer" pictures and cry...

Good News, I am doing really well. I seemed to have gotten over the initial anger and shock from the surgery. I am working hard to adjust my thoughts and outlook to be positive and hopeful. I have had some really good moments of understanding the past few days and some great conversations with people I love. I made it to NC and I am looking forward to healing from the past year here. I also intend to try and have some fun, boy do I need to have fun. OH MY - I can't remember if I mentioned the following news last blog...I don't have cancer anymore. I almost don't believe it and I am getting used to saying it outloud. Pretty exciting stuff, so again thank you for your prayers and support. Much love - R

Hello everyone, I'm back. Medically speaking I am doing pretty fabulous.  I made it through the surgery.  i am recovering pretty fast and I am able to do a little more each day.  I was surprised by the level of pain I experienced while in the hospital and my first week home. It was much more painful that i imagined, but that is in the past now.  In addition, I did not realize how much after care i would need with my various cuts and stitches, but that too will pass.  My mom has been taking care of me and i know that I would not have made it through this without her. I also realize that I do know myself well and as I suspected this has been the most emotionally difficult part of cancer treatment.  i struggled at times with the chemo and wrapping my head around having cancer but those were minor.  I am trying to slowly deal with everything, but it is very difficult and exhausting.   i am planning to go to NC for a few weeks to recover there.  i don't think I can stand to be...