Hello everyone, I'm back.
Medically speaking I am doing pretty fabulous. I made it through the surgery. i am recovering pretty fast and I am able to do a little more each day. I was surprised by the level of pain I experienced while in the hospital and my first week home. It was much more painful that i imagined, but that is in the past now. In addition, I did not realize how much after care i would need with my various cuts and stitches, but that too will pass. My mom has been taking care of me and i know that I would not have made it through this without her.
I also realize that I do know myself well and as I suspected this has been the most emotionally difficult part of cancer treatment. i struggled at times with the chemo and wrapping my head around having cancer but those were minor. I am trying to slowly deal with everything, but it is very difficult and exhausting.
i am planning to go to NC for a few weeks to recover there. i don't think I can stand to be in my house anymore. I have spent 90% of my life the past 10 months in my house. i just can't do it right now. i guess I need to escape my life to try to heal so I can move forward.
i feel incredibly vulnerable and fragile right now. AND I also have some feeling of achievement. However, for the most part right now I feel numb. Everything is a little too much right now, too heavy, too permenent, too emotional, too exposing, too conflicted. I fear that I will not be able to switch from cancer fight or flight mode to a normal non-cancer life. BUT right now it is all very fresh. I have not had time to process everything and take the healthy steps to move forward. I know deep down that I will be better in a few weeks, physically and mentally. I am just stuck right now in the middle, struggling. I chose to be honest with everyone and tell you how i am not doing so well emotionally right now because 1) I like being honest and 2) I may be oversensitive and may need extra care and patience from those in my life.
Please don't worry. As i said before, I will overcome this last part. I will adjust back to "normal". I will not allow the past year and cancer to either define me or hinder me in the future. This experience will with time make me a more caring, understanding and loving person. I just have to travel through some knee deep mud over the next few weeks to get there.
Much love to everyone, thank you for your love, prayers and support.
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