Row-C

I realize now the best investment a cancer patient can make is to obtain a personal assistant. I sit here and think of all the glorious ways my assistant could well...assist me. I just need to think of a way to fully justify and fund the assistant. One day maybe... I am much more functional after the "new" chemo. However, I feel the fatigue big time. I was in Sears on Sat and had to go out to the car and sit down. I just started to feel light headed. Maybe it was all the appliances and tools staring me down? Good news - one of my nurses advised me that my hair will start to grow back now. I guess the first chemo I had was the one that caused hair loss. So that is good news - I must say I have been wearing bandanas and I feel like I need a motorcycle or at least an official helmet so I can better live the part of a biker.

So far the second session of Chemo is much easier than the first. The only side affect I really feel is that I am really really tired. Aside from that I am good to go. I am working hard to try and stay positive, think of all the good stuff. I am trying to look at is as I only have 11 chemo's left to tackle. I am hoping that with the lower dose of chemo I will have more energy and a better mental outlook. I hope all who read this are doing well :) Later Kids

I had a really good weekend. I got to relax and feel normal, well mostly normal, when you are noticeably bald and meet new people, you don't get to feel totally normal. I start chemo again on Thursday. I am kind of nervous. This next round of chemo is not going to have as severe of side affects as the first but it is more often. I keep looking forward to August/September. To the point where this will be something I did - not something I am living each day. There are parts that are so difficult I don't think I can handle it. Then there are days when I just sit back in awe of the amazing people around me, the people that love me. It is such a trying time and also such a time of growth and appreciation of the many people in my life. I guess I am trying to prepare myself to go back to the doctors office Thursday. This is the first Chemo I am going to by myself. In a weird way I am glad I am going this one alone. I think it will be good to do one alone. I have no idea why...

First off - I am feeling really good. Enjoying the 60 degree weather, colder is better - I wear hats to hide my lack of hair and I feel safe in my Pink Floyd hoodie - so cold weather is well suited for my favorite attire. Second - I think I am a perfectionist. I have insane standards set for myself and those around me. I can tend to be demanding - not for things but for people to be strong and do the right thing all the time. I am learning. Learning how to allow myself not to be perfect. Learning to understand that many of the people who love me do and say the wrong things - because we are not perfect. I am so very thankful to feel good today. I got a lot of work done and I am planning to go to a friends for a tasty meal. Happy St. Patricks Day!!

I found myself in a dangerous place today. A sad place. The place where I push out everyone and well, I just cry. I cry for understanding. I cry begging for peace. I tremble because I am just so weak. I start to look at people at see them happy and it makes me mad. It makes me envious. I think it is natural to go there - given the circumstances. I spent a good portion of my day struggling. It was a bad day. That is until I took a baby step. I forced myself to leave and go to a friends for dinner. I cried the entire time in the car on the way. It is so crazy but I am most open to crying and letting out the pain in my car. It is my haven. I tried to pull myself together but I couldn't. I took at least a hour to find "me" at their house, to start joking around wholehearted. I ate dinner and thought about going to hear some Reggae tonight. I was ready to call it a night - go crawl in bed and cry. I called my friend first and she sounded so excited that I was...

Most of you know I am now an ex-smoker (catching the cancer helped that to happen). With that comes renewed taste and smell abilities. That has caused me some peril as because of the chemo I am way over sensitive to smell and taste and spend large chunks of time with a metal taste in my mouth piece (no bueno). So this blog is about perseverance. I have decided to overcome a large hurdle today, a challenge if you will. I purchased atomic fireballs. I am about halfway through my first one. Whew those puppies are intense. I keep fighting through the burn because I know once I persevere (scream = word of the day) and make it to the sweeter center of the "ball of fire" I will experience the great joy of reaching my goal. So here's to making it to the sweet center. Holla - Rosie

Right now I feel it is really important to highlight all the positives I can. I have gone through 4 pretty tough chemotherapy sessions. The day after each one I had to get this shot to boost my immune system. The shot makes you feel horrible, insane muscle and bone pain. Good news - With the next round of chemotherapy it is a smaller dose so I don't need the evil shot. Three cheers for no more evil shot!!!!

Just found out that the last part of my chemo is not every three weeks (six sessions) as I originally thought. I have to go once a week for 12 weeks (boo hiss). The good news is that this Chemo should have less severe side affects. That's all for now - time for a nap. ;)

Tonight was Pastapalooza - which really translates to people come over to my house and eat food/drink beer. It is fun to have a bunch of people I like over, I swear I laugh more on Wed. than any other day of the week. I am glad I established the night before Chemo parties, it is a night full of laughter and just what I need right before Chemo. I am excited that it is my last AC chemo tomorrow - but I really really don't want to go through all the side affects over the next week and a half. It sucks - real bad. I am trying to remind myself of all the ways I am lucky. I have a ton of support, more people than I realized care about me. I have a very treatable cancer. I have not once been told that I could die (another plus). I have a roof over my head, I have a good job and good insurance. I have so many things to be thankful for - but at the same time I feel like a big baby because I am so tired of Chemo. I feel really bad for my mom - as she is the one who sees the bad more...

This Thursday is my final AC session. (yay) Which means that I have made it through most of the super agressive chemo. After this chemo I will have an extra week before the next session of chemo (next session is every three weeks, six sessions). I am looking forward to having an extra week as right now I start to feel better two days before I have to go through it all over again. This whole experience is so strange. I spend a significant amount of time not feeling anything. I think it is a defense mechanism. A way to cope with everything going on. Important Note: Not feeling anything is better than feeling bad ;) So I set little goals for myself to achieve, simple ones - and keep on trucking. I spoke with my friend who has gone through the whole chemo deal today. Was the best 20 minutes I have spent on the phone in weeks. It is so very nice to talk to someone who has gone through it. I don't have to explain how I feel or why - she just gets it. So if anyone who reads t...