Row-C

Right now, 10:53 is the first moment in a month that I had to stop what I was doing to write. This moment was constant back in "the early months". The past few entries were forced and out of necessity not out of wanting to share and express my thoughts. That may have been apparent to some of you. I am trying. I am trying to slowly deal with all of this. But you see - its not like I can check off my to do list easily. So i thought i would share some of my thoughts... #1- I thank god i don't have cancer #2 - I need to relax because I don't have cancer and focus on my healing #3 - I need to accept that my best long term best option was to have a double masectomy and that i chose that and the form of reconstruction - I CHOSE #4 - I need to tell myself that once I heal I will be able to accept my appearance #5 - I need remember how i looked bald and be thankful that I have 2 inches of hair now and I should stop looking at my "before cancer" pictures and cry...

Good News, I am doing really well. I seemed to have gotten over the initial anger and shock from the surgery. I am working hard to adjust my thoughts and outlook to be positive and hopeful. I have had some really good moments of understanding the past few days and some great conversations with people I love. I made it to NC and I am looking forward to healing from the past year here. I also intend to try and have some fun, boy do I need to have fun. OH MY - I can't remember if I mentioned the following news last blog...I don't have cancer anymore. I almost don't believe it and I am getting used to saying it outloud. Pretty exciting stuff, so again thank you for your prayers and support. Much love - R

Hello everyone, I'm back. Medically speaking I am doing pretty fabulous.  I made it through the surgery.  i am recovering pretty fast and I am able to do a little more each day.  I was surprised by the level of pain I experienced while in the hospital and my first week home. It was much more painful that i imagined, but that is in the past now.  In addition, I did not realize how much after care i would need with my various cuts and stitches, but that too will pass.  My mom has been taking care of me and i know that I would not have made it through this without her. I also realize that I do know myself well and as I suspected this has been the most emotionally difficult part of cancer treatment.  i struggled at times with the chemo and wrapping my head around having cancer but those were minor.  I am trying to slowly deal with everything, but it is very difficult and exhausting.   i am planning to go to NC for a few weeks to recover there.  i don't think I can stand to be...

I went through an eleven hour surgery on Thursday and was in the hospital until Sunday. I've been home for a few days and am feeling better everyday. Everything's still difficult but it will be better soon. Thanks for all your prayers and thoughts. In case you're wondering, I'm not typing this, so if it sounds short and choppy, it's because I'm dictating this to a friend. Peace out. :)

Well well well, where has the time gone? I have been busy the past month working, cleaning, and spending time with friends. I have been operating on a semi-normal schedule and have not had to many difficult emotion days. Well at least I don't remember them, Chemo brain is not fun when you are trying to remember important things, but is great when you can't remember the bad days. I still can't sleep like a normal person, which is frustrating, but honestly it is nice to have some consistency in my life. So for those of you who love drama, good news, I am losing it a bit. (Bet you were getting a little bored with the last few blogs, come on, I know you were) The impact of surgery is hitting me. One week, 7 days. I have seven days to wrap up all my work duties, take care of house stuff and prepare to have a 10 hour surgery. Talk about intense pressure. I started crying when watching some of the heartfelt Olympics’ commercials. Heck I cried when I saw the color blue the...

I have been enjoying watching the Olympics as I am sure many of you have. I have two things that have been bothering me. 1. The commentary provided by NBC - is there any reason to hear chatter the entire time you are watching the opening ceremony. Answer: NO 2. Is it really necessary for NBC to have commericals during the olympics? Just once I would like to watch a major world wide event and not miss important portions just so I can see the new Walmart or Coke Commercial. Oh - And it is safe to say that I am feeling pretty good, as I have time to be irritated by the NBC network. ;)

So I guess a few of you stalkers out there may be wondering how I am doing. It has been a while since I have written. I have spent the past few weeks trying to be normal. Well I guess we all know that "normal" is a stretch for me. ;) On the real, there have been ups and downs, but at least no chemo. I am a little surprised that I still have a lot of the side affects I had while on chemo, sleep issues, fatigue, trouble using my brain etc. I was hoping that would go away after chemo, I guess I just have to be patient. At this point I am excited about surgery. It is the final piece of treatment. Once I have surgery I don't have any more "have to do's ". I just need to heal. I don't have to wait every week or few weeks to hear an update from a doctor. I have been trying to push myself lately to be a "doer". Simple things, do the dishes right away, wash and put away clothes at one time (not end up with a pile of clean clothes in my room ...