4 more to go people!!!

Perspective. Mine has been in constant growth. I have gained so much perspective on my life and I have been able to apply it to both the past and present.

When I started Chemo in January my first round consisted of 4 sessions. The whole time I was counting them down, and fighting the get through them. Those 4 sessions were a mountain to me.

Right now I have 4 sessions left. I am so excited that I ONLY have 4 left.
Five months ago 4 sessions was a huge task I had to complete, now 4 sessions are a relief and I see them as a small bump in the road.

Perspective, gotta love it.

-R

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I made a choice.

So I have spent the past few weeks thinking. Trying to nail down what is most important. Trying to give myself some perspective. So I have outlined my worst case scenarios. Worst case scenario #1: I don't have the surgery now and end up with cancer in the next few years. Worst case scenario #2: I have the surgery now and a few years from now I am unhappy and upset that I never had my own biological children. Worst case scenario #3: I have horrible menopausal symptoms for the next few years. So. When I write them out. I see something pretty clear. #2 and #3 are temporary and there are options for me to work through. #1 could equal death. Which is pretty permanent. So. I'm gonna do it. That's how I feel right now. I'm going to chose short term suffering to have a better long term life. I am trying to read up on things I can do to mitigate menopause that ...

Normal

I am feeling more normal these days. I am able to drive most days and spend some time with my friends. I almost have a normal schedule ( yay ). I have also been lucky that I have not gotten sick sick (definition: sick sick - sickness that is not chemo induced) in a long time. For the past two years I have gotten sick on average every 5 weeks, so this has been my longest stretch without a cold, strep, bronchitis, or the flu. I think it may help that I don't go where lots of people are often. Plus I have become and obsessive hand washer, I carry like 3 types of lotion because my hands are so dry from the soap! I went out with friends last Saturday - it was the first time I have hung out with more than 8-10 people in many many months. I found myself with a bit of social anxiety. This is a new experience for me. I imagine this is caused by the massive amount of alone time I have had the past few months and my insecurity about being a bald cancer patient. I know this too is t...

Please keep your hands and feet inside during the ride

Right now, 10:53 is the first moment in a month that I had to stop what I was doing to write. This moment was constant back in "the early months". The past few entries were forced and out of necessity not out of wanting to share and express my thoughts. That may have been apparent to some of you. I am trying. I am trying to slowly deal with all of this. But you see - its not like I can check off my to do list easily. So i thought i would share some of my thoughts... #1- I thank god i don't have cancer #2 - I need to relax because I don't have cancer and focus on my healing #3 - I need to accept that my best long term best option was to have a double masectomy and that i chose that and the form of reconstruction - I CHOSE #4 - I need to tell myself that once I heal I will be able to accept my appearance #5 - I need remember how i looked bald and be thankful that I have 2 inches of hair now and I should stop looking at my "before cancer" pictures and cry...

Row-C

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