I was just flipping through my calendar looking at what I have coming up the next few weeks. I flipped to July and closed it. Quickly. I guess I am more worried about July than I thought. I can't even look at the month. I don't know my surgery date for sure yet, but I know it falls in July.
My treatment order has been the reverse of what the majority experiences. I had chemo first and surgery after. Most have the surgery first, followed by chemo. Part of coping with all of this has been separating everything into smaller pieces. Chemo 1 was 4 treatments - done. Chemo 2 is 12 treatments - almost done. Surgery 1 will be in July and I am not sure about the Surgery 2 time frame.
Now that I have 5 chemo treatments left, my mind is wandering towards the future. This whole time I have been trying to embrace the next step a little early in an attempt to prepare myself for it.
The whole chemo process is very body draining. It has at times been emotionally draining but I think that may be more because of the whole cancer picture, not just the chemo. My upcoming surgery is like the mother load to me. I am emotionally terrified of it. Not physically. I am pretty good at dealing with pain and discomfort. AND I have been pretty good and staying emotionally healthy throughout this. I guess my fear is that the double mastectomy will be the emotional unraveling of me. I think about it, what I will feel like after and I start crying. Then I think, crap, why are you crying when it has not even happened yet.
All of these thoughts, emotions and fears that I am starting to feel right now I know will help lead me towards acceptance. I know I am making the right choice for my future and I know that all the emotions, pain and the entire situation will pass with time. It is just scary right now.
My treatment order has been the reverse of what the majority experiences. I had chemo first and surgery after. Most have the surgery first, followed by chemo. Part of coping with all of this has been separating everything into smaller pieces. Chemo 1 was 4 treatments - done. Chemo 2 is 12 treatments - almost done. Surgery 1 will be in July and I am not sure about the Surgery 2 time frame.
Now that I have 5 chemo treatments left, my mind is wandering towards the future. This whole time I have been trying to embrace the next step a little early in an attempt to prepare myself for it.
The whole chemo process is very body draining. It has at times been emotionally draining but I think that may be more because of the whole cancer picture, not just the chemo. My upcoming surgery is like the mother load to me. I am emotionally terrified of it. Not physically. I am pretty good at dealing with pain and discomfort. AND I have been pretty good and staying emotionally healthy throughout this. I guess my fear is that the double mastectomy will be the emotional unraveling of me. I think about it, what I will feel like after and I start crying. Then I think, crap, why are you crying when it has not even happened yet.
All of these thoughts, emotions and fears that I am starting to feel right now I know will help lead me towards acceptance. I know I am making the right choice for my future and I know that all the emotions, pain and the entire situation will pass with time. It is just scary right now.
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