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Grace

I surprised myself recently. I thought for sure that the days after my last Chemo would be great. I mean, I completed six months of chemo, which is something to celebrate. However, I found myself doing quite the opposite. The past few days have been some of the toughest in a while.

I thought about this in my car today. I realized that I can only handle so much of all this at a given time. I think finishing chemo actually turned out to be a breaking point for me. I have found myself teary eyed and easily irritated for days. I haven't liked talking on the phone, even with some of my favorite people. Lots of little things have been getting to me. These are all signs that I am mentally going downhill.

I have found, in the past that I can go on this trail for quite a while before I realize it is happening. I am glad that I figured this out after 4 days. I guess I am just a little fed up with the whole thing. I am tired of dealing with Cancer. I am tired of looking different, tired of being tired and just plain frustrated.

I think this just happens, to everyone, for different reasons.

This week in itself has been a big deal. I met with the Plastic Surgeon today and it went well. I have another big dr appt on Thurs with my oncologist, to find out if I need to do radiation. That is a huge deal - and can possibly make some major changes to the surgery plan. AND I set up an appointment to talk with the General Surgeon next week. All big steps in the surgery process.

I guess I hit a wall, like I was holding on, staying strong to get through Chemo, so once I was done, I fell apart a bit. Thankfully I have something on my side that some of you may understand, God. AND most thankfully for me, the gift of Gods Grace. You see you don't have to earn it, because you know we never really do, you just have to embrace it.

I found it on my way home in the car today. I was driving along, yelling at all the stupid drivers around me, when I just started to cry. The good crying, the “I feel humbled by God’s grace and mercy crying. And that's it. I feel at peace now, I am not worried about tomorrow, I am not upset about the past six months, I just am. And boy does that feel great.

Comments

Anonymous said…
wow, girlie, you are so special - thanks for sharing your blog - you are an inspiration. yeah, i'm humbled by God and His amazing grace too. may we keep our focus on Him daily! so hard sometimes and i get soooo distracted! In HIS LOVE, priscilla

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