Skip to main content

Grace

I surprised myself recently. I thought for sure that the days after my last Chemo would be great. I mean, I completed six months of chemo, which is something to celebrate. However, I found myself doing quite the opposite. The past few days have been some of the toughest in a while.

I thought about this in my car today. I realized that I can only handle so much of all this at a given time. I think finishing chemo actually turned out to be a breaking point for me. I have found myself teary eyed and easily irritated for days. I haven't liked talking on the phone, even with some of my favorite people. Lots of little things have been getting to me. These are all signs that I am mentally going downhill.

I have found, in the past that I can go on this trail for quite a while before I realize it is happening. I am glad that I figured this out after 4 days. I guess I am just a little fed up with the whole thing. I am tired of dealing with Cancer. I am tired of looking different, tired of being tired and just plain frustrated.

I think this just happens, to everyone, for different reasons.

This week in itself has been a big deal. I met with the Plastic Surgeon today and it went well. I have another big dr appt on Thurs with my oncologist, to find out if I need to do radiation. That is a huge deal - and can possibly make some major changes to the surgery plan. AND I set up an appointment to talk with the General Surgeon next week. All big steps in the surgery process.

I guess I hit a wall, like I was holding on, staying strong to get through Chemo, so once I was done, I fell apart a bit. Thankfully I have something on my side that some of you may understand, God. AND most thankfully for me, the gift of Gods Grace. You see you don't have to earn it, because you know we never really do, you just have to embrace it.

I found it on my way home in the car today. I was driving along, yelling at all the stupid drivers around me, when I just started to cry. The good crying, the “I feel humbled by God’s grace and mercy crying. And that's it. I feel at peace now, I am not worried about tomorrow, I am not upset about the past six months, I just am. And boy does that feel great.

Comments

Anonymous said…
wow, girlie, you are so special - thanks for sharing your blog - you are an inspiration. yeah, i'm humbled by God and His amazing grace too. may we keep our focus on Him daily! so hard sometimes and i get soooo distracted! In HIS LOVE, priscilla
July 21, 2008 at 6:24 PM
Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Ringing in the New year

Hewwo everybody :) Well I had my "snap back moment" on my birthday. I was star gazing on my day of birth, taking a little solo time and I started to think, what do I have to be thankful for. And it came to me. I am alive. In that exact moment everything from the past year came full circle. I immediately became excited about all the possibilities I have before me, in 2009 and beyond. I also gave myself a little pat on the back for making through the past year, without losing the things I hold dear. I am excited to continue to shake off the trauma from the last year and fall into my full stride. I had a great time in the OBX and found that I was able to really be myself, laughing, joking, sprinkling in a little deep thoughts and just gettin down. I hope you all had a great new year and I wish you all the best. xoxo - Rosie
Post a Comment
Read more

Normal

I am feeling more normal these days. I am able to drive most days and spend some time with my friends. I almost have a normal schedule ( yay ). I have also been lucky that I have not gotten sick sick (definition: sick sick - sickness that is not chemo induced) in a long time. For the past two years I have gotten sick on average every 5 weeks, so this has been my longest stretch without a cold, strep, bronchitis, or the flu. I think it may help that I don't go where lots of people are often. Plus I have become and obsessive hand washer, I carry like 3 types of lotion because my hands are so dry from the soap! I went out with friends last Saturday - it was the first time I have hung out with more than 8-10 people in many many months. I found myself with a bit of social anxiety. This is a new experience for me. I imagine this is caused by the massive amount of alone time I have had the past few months and my insecurity about being a bald cancer patient. I know this too is t...
Post a Comment
Read more

I made a choice.

So I have spent the past few weeks thinking.   Trying to nail down what is most important.  Trying to give myself some perspective.   So I have outlined my worst case scenarios.  Worst case scenario #1:  I don't have the surgery now and end up with cancer in the next few years.   Worst case scenario #2: I have the surgery now and a few years from now I am unhappy and upset that I never had my own biological children.   Worst case scenario #3: I have horrible menopausal symptoms for the next few years.   So. When I write them out.  I see something pretty clear.  #2 and #3 are temporary and there are options for me to work through.   #1 could equal death.  Which is pretty permanent.   So. I'm gonna do it.  That's how I feel right now.  I'm going to chose short term suffering to have a better long term life.   I am trying to read up on things I can do to mitigate menopause that ...
2 comments
Read more